Just Because I'm Long Winded Doesn't Mean I Talk A Lot

Case in point

I Just Beat Solitaire in One Game

I can't even decide if that counts as playing. I don't even know if that was an accomplishment. I think I need to go write.

Word on the Street

It turns out that Loser24 doesn't care for realtime blogging. Good for him.

The "Easy" Button

So, there I was sitting in an office chair, starring at a computer screen, hoping the phone wouldn't ring, when I noticed the easy button lying on the desk. I'd seen the commercials before, and, oh crap, the phone is ringing.

Nabisco Has Gone Too Far

I find the Nilla wafers packaging to be highly unsettling.

Nilla wafers are as calm a snack product as there will ever be, but there is way too much action on the cover of the box. Namely, one of the wafers is plunging—with no apparent source of propulsion—into a short, though probably refreshing, glass of milk. I don't like it. There is no way this wafer could possibly have propelled itself into the milk without a prime mover. No form of wafer, Nilla being no exception, has any sort of locomotive ability aside from the aptitude to roll down an incline or fall from a precariously balanced position, i.e. edge of a precipice. This wafer was obviously thrown.

What kind of sick individual would throw a Nilla wafer, I do not know. But I would add that it was hardly necessary to immortalize the event by plastering such an offense on every box of Nilla wafers currently in print.

My many faithful and highly irregular readers can testify that I have never been one to call out my corporate sponsors in such a widely read forum as my very own blog, but Nabisco, you've got some explaining to do. My Nilla wafers will be no part of your high-flying acrobatic spectacle or your Hollywood blockbuster stunt. No sir, my Nilla wafers will be arranged on a separate plate, and I will enjoy them with a glass of milk, and that milk will not be poured so close to the top that I have to sip a little before picking it up, because my Nilla wafers will be wafers of comfort, and my Nilla wafers will be wafers of peace. You can keep your "simple goodness," Nabisco, but you best set my Nilla wafers down, on a paper towel, with half a sliced banana. And you most certainly will not disturb me from my nap after I have cleaned up my mess and wiped off my placemat. And with that, good day to you, Nabisco.

I Laugh When a Flamingo Trips

I laugh when a flamingo trips
and plays it off like nothing happened,
and when a llama gazes into the distance,
contemplating,
then turns and meets my eyes
and declares us equals with his gaze.

I laugh when my mom looses her glasses
on her head.
and when Dad realizes he is wrong
halfway through explaining why he is right,
and when they both have to call me
because they can’t work the remote.

I laugh when I chomp down on a fork
even though I’ve been feeding myself
for a good while now,
and when I fart loudly during the final,
in the class I might be failing
but no one seems to notice.

Hey Look at Me

I'm doing work and being productive, I mean, wasting my life away online. Okay I love ya ba-bye.

Ah Crap v.2

Enough said.

What Sitting on a Bench Did to Me

When my cousin Rosalind was three years old, my aunt heated up a bottle of milk for her. But Rosalind thought the milk was too cold, so my aunt heated it some more. Still, Rosalind said her bottle was too cold, and my Aunt kept heating it up, and it was always too cold, so finally she tested a few drops on her wrist, and the milk was scalding.

When my Aunt told me about this, I first thought that something must be wrong with Rosalind’s nervous system, but that wasn’t the case. Somehow, Rosalind had confused the words “hot” and “cold.” Hot still felt hot, and cold felt cold, but somehow the words had gotten switched in her head.

I don’t really know why I am writing this, except it just came to me as a parallel for where I am at in life, and I don’t really know why yet.

I guess I figured someone out there might find a witty way to ridicule my subconcious.

We Put Mother Nature in a Home, feedback would be lovely

The modern shady tree beside a lazy brook
Charges and syncs via USB.
Or, for more serious thinkers,
There’s the contemplative rock,
Assuming they're lucky enough to run across one
On the race to work, or class, or distraction.

But there’s nothing fashionable about rocks—
Even our paperweights
Come in etched glass and silver plate.

Eye Kneed Too Bee Moore Carful

I'm not really sure what "butter irony" is, but I know it doesn't belong in my American Novel critical analysis essay.

Things that Blow

Heavy winds, light breezes and wind patterns inbetween

Oscillating fans

Bellows

American Novel critical analysis papers on Invisible Man due tomorrow morning

I Seem to have Gotten Ahead of Myself

I think... yeah, I think I'll get something accomplished today.

I spent a few days in Arkansas last weekend, and let me tell you, it was real nice to be in a place where Jesus is Lord. I'm thinking I might start a petition to elect Jesus as Lord of a local city, it was so great. I really felt touched by that sign, and by Jesus' Lordship in Siloam Springs.

We Put Mother Nature in a Home, take two

The modern shady tree beside a lazy brook
Is a five-ounce contraption with a color display,
Or, if you’re serious about it,
A contemplative rock,
Assuming you’re lucky enough to run across one
On the race to work, or class, or distraction.

But there’s just nothing fashionable about rocks—
Even our paperweights
Come in etched glass and silver plate.

My parents are too cute.

A Cute Little Post or, A Reader Sits in with Two Guns at a Weekly Session

I came here to espouse that obtuse is a stupid word and should only be used in mathematical and scientific references, but then I looked up expouse, my first attempt at spelling espouse, and discovered that I really don't know how to use it in a sentence, but since I signed in I might as well say something.

I think obtuse is a wonderful word and it ought to be used more often.

Please watch closely as until-now-obscure Amazon.com reviewer Brian Seiler from Kingwood, Texas uses the word obtuse in a real-life setting, describing the band Cake's most recent release, Pressure Chief:

"On the whole, this is a different, more mature, less obtuse effort for Cake--the metaphors here aren't nearly as thickly obfuscated as those that you find on their previous efforts." - Brian Seiler (emphasis added).

Such adjectival mastery.

Actually, I think this would be a good time to stop and think about the word "obfuscated" for a moment.

hmm... obfuscated.

You might think that I inadvertently deleted a vowel from that word, but the root word, obfuscate, is actually part of a small-but-growing movement within the English language, in cooperation with a, e, i, o, u and, sometimes, y, to bring b and f together, with the hope that their familiarity will eventually lead to the formation of a new letter (which I lack the key to display) and, along with it, a host of new curse words that will be really difficult, and therefore very satisfying, to say.

Anyway, as I was saying, obtuse... wow. And not just obtuse, but obtuser and obtusest, respectively. Amazing.

Okay, I am going to be honest, this really all started because I wanted to make fun of Brian Seiler, which isn't really fair, because it isn't right to make fun of someone just because he or she (in this case, he) has a larger vocabulary than you do. So why don't you just leave the guy alone. Seriously, lay off, alright?

In fact, why don't you get a bflippin' dictionary and maybe learn something new in the process? I mean, who makes fun of a guy for what he says on Amazon.com? Get a life.

Alright, alright, I'm not mad, I'm not mad. I'm just... disappointed, is all. You're better than this. I know you are. Now, pick yourself up, dust off your jeans, maybe put them in the wash sometime soon (maybe toss your pillow case in there too... it's been awhile...) and go get something to eat.

Yeah, you get 'em, tiger.

Murder on the Panda Express

I heard a loud crinkling noise in the alley, and when I came around the corner... when I came around the corner they were just, ripping them in half, like... like they were fortune cookies or something, and the slips of paper... my goodness the paper... it was everywhere...

I Used To Feel Guilty That I Had Two Pairs of Shoes

Then I met a man who had no feet.

One Wonders Whether The Weather Man Can

It's raining;
It's pouring;
One can only guess
what the old man's up to.