A Candy Situation that Demands a Verdict

Situation: there is one piece of See's Famous Old Time Candy left in the box. That piece of candy is cut in half. That makes two pieces.

Question: Can I have both?

Merry Christmas 2008 from the Hutchinsons

As I sit to type this letter my hands still quake from the excitement of battle, for I have just completed a most dangerous quest in which I slew a pack of foul rats in the basement of commoner Drarayne Thelas. Thelas is a dark elf (or Dunmer, in her native tongue) and it is my hope that the completion of this quest will soften the cold reception I have received in Balmora, if even the smallest bit. Otherwise all I will have to show for my peril is a few pounds of rat meat, which has no effect on Wood Elves whatsoever and for which I can find no other use, not even the proverbial relief of fatigue. Neverthelater, life goes on. “Such,” Nalcarya of White Haven would say, “is the life of a Witchhunter.”

Indeed much has happened in the land of Vvardenfell since last Christmas (a holiday which is not, might I add, celebrated anywhere in Morrowind), but I am reminded that many of this letter’s recipients spend no part of their lives in that realm and that still more maintain that my expanded existence as Drookox is... not worthy of the time it requires. Being that as it is, not the case, I am yet amusedly reminded of the lesson recorded in The Homilies of Blessed Almalexia, which Sotha Sil learned from the scribs while casting stones in the egg mines, namely that “The idle amusements of one may be the solemn tortures of another.” Therefore, as I am sure your interests lie more in the adventures of my non-virtual family, and as I am by this time well enough recovered from my skirmish with the rats, I will do as best I can at my current level to impart to you some knowledge as to the happenings of my wife and child.ren

Megan is still happy at her job at the hospital, which isn’t as a nurse but still involves answering phones and provides free childcare. As there are no children in Morrowind I am not proficient in the care of children and we’re all very happy about the free childcare. Megan also still likes to do different things outside like walk and drive around to places. Sometimes she leaves for days at a time for something about her dad, and by the time she gets back she hardly recognizes my avatar and is too busy feeding the kids at all hours of the day to fully appreciate my upgraded stats. The new Daedric weapons I can conjure mid-battle amaze even myself and have made quite a stir in the forums that are still active (for some reason, whenever a sequel to a game comes out, that’s all anyone wants to talk about even if it isn’t as good as the first, or the third in this case).

Most of you already know about the newest addition to our family, little Justin Eärendil, who was born on July 25 (a date I will always remember because I had to miss Max Brooks at Comic-Con 08). Justin is like his brother Denethor was at that age (who, I remind you, was named after the canonical character of the books, NOT the abomination in Peter Jackson’s three-part crapogy) in that he basically sits around and always needs stuff when Megan is at her parents’ house. Sometimes he can be a real handful (I’m constantly having to save), but what I lack in willpower and agility I more than make up for in endurance. Denethor is usually quiet and enjoys his ant farm.

Now, as my time allotted for writing this letter is coming to a close (as once more the thirst for adventure spurs me on to greater things), I would like to leave you with an excerpt from Saryoni’s Sermons as collected in the Hierograph by Archcanon Tholer Saryoni, words I find particularly applicable at Christmas time. From The Grace of Humility, “Thank you for your humility, Lord Vivec [read: Jesus]. I shall neither strut nor preen in vanity, but shall know and give thanks for my place in the greater world.” Amen.

Great News

I found out last night that I don't hate life enough to enjoy playing Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, Game of the Year Edition, even when I'm trying to justify its purchase.

A Thanksgiven Menu

Pumpkin pie for breakfast. Turkey for everything else, ever.

A Facebook Chat that Just Happened

TG [11:15pm]
hey how come you look like that lady? that's weird and so are you


Matthew [11:15pm]
thats my sister

bits


TG [11:16pm]
her name is bits?

as in, kibbles and?

if I'd only known, I could have started calling you kibbles a long time ago


Matthew [11:17pm]
no

sorry

my sister's name is martha

I don't know why I typed bits

Oh Hey Hole in the Crotch of My Jeans

Oh, hey hole in the crotch of my jeans, when did you get here?

Were you planning to say hello, or were you just gonna see how long it took me to notice?

Uh huh, and how long did it take?

For a lot of reasons, hole. Just tell me.

Well I thought I'd hear you coming, for one thing. Does anyone else know you're here?

How is that a weird question?

Okay, okay, forget it. So... was there something you needed or...?

Well, yeah sure, but I've got to go get a new pair of jeans, so you'll have to come along.

Seriously, hole, how long have you been here?

Okay, fine, forget it.

Say Hello to the New Title

Because "Oh yeah, I just remembered."

Don't Buy Fundraiser Chocolate Bars for a Dollar

They are gross. Just donate the dollar. Dollars are cheap.

Do the Apricot Jam

Apricot jam on my hand.
On my hoodie, near the zipper.
On the counter.
On my hoodie, again, right pocket.
Left shoulder, too.
And once more, on my hand.
Where else, on my hoodie,
Apricot jam?

A Misunderstanding at Work: Ordering Boxes

"That girl who takes your order, she can be pretty scary."

"She seemed nice to me."

"Yeah, okay maybe she does on the phone, but I'll tell you this, she's covered from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet in tattoos. When you get there you'll see what I mean."

"Oh, well, I was just gonna have them deliver. Where are they located?"

"Uhh... I've only seen the ones that are exposed."

You Must Not Know 'Bout Me

Facebook,

We all know that you glean personal information from my account profile and use it to target advertising directly at me. But seriously, "Are you tired of jeans?" Come on, Facebook, you know I'm not in a relationship.

Breaking the Silence

The worst part about accidentally peeing on yourself is the pee.

An Awkward Conversation at WinCo with the Shampoo I Forgot to Use this Morning

Oh, hey there. Uh... how've you been?

Yeah? Good. That's great, Shampoo. Uh... can I... what are you looking for?

Really? Ha! What, do I have gum in my hair or something?

Oh, and jelly? That makes sense.

No, I totally agree. You can buy whatever you want. It doesn't all have to be about me, or... anyone else.

Milk. Yeah, we're almost out of milk. Do you... drink milk?

Seriously, Shampoo, I really didn't see you this morning. Believe me, if I had, I definitely would have washed my hair because my hair feels like crap right now. It's seriously gross.

No, I don't doubt it. I'm sure you were right in front of me. It's just... sometimes you just get really busy doing other--huh? I mean, I meant you, as in me... sometimes I get really busy.

Uh... I'm not sure. Probably, you know... soaping up.

No, I guess I didn't...

True. Well, like I said, it really was a mistake.

Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Definitely. No I'm really sorry.

Listen, are you doing anything tonight?

Oh.

Well... can I see you tomorrow?

Caution

Consider yourself warned.

Not Looking Good So Far

All I wanted was for the cat to hold still for one lousy picture.

More Minutes, Please

"Because safety is a priority, 'You Got 30 Minutes' is not a guarantee, but an estimate. You may get more."

I wish AT&T was more like Domino's.

Leave It

I'm taking care of my friends' dog while they're out of town for a few days. Consequently, it isn't weird that I watched a dog pee this afternoon. The dog's name is Silas, and the session went a little bit like this:

"Buds, go potties" ("Buds" is short for Silas).

Silas dashes to the lawn, sniffs around for a suitable location and does the deed.

"Good Buddies. Come on."

Silas walks away toward the edge of the property and sniffs in the grass by the front gate.

"Silas, come here."

He sniffs some more, then picks something out of the grass with his mouth and looks at me apprehensively.

"What'cha got there Buds? Leave it."

He sets the object on the ground without breaking eye contact. It looks like a piece of bark. I pick it up and toss it over the fence into the road.

"Come on Silas. Go inside."

Silas hesitates. He looks back at the spot where he found the piece of bark, then looks back at me. I don't have anything new to say, but the silence is awkward and I'm ready to put in a couple hours on my friends' Playstation 3, so I more or less repeat myself until he decides to listen and goes inside without a word.

Part 2: the good part

Inside the house, I find that my friends have taken the Playstation 3 with them on their vacation, which makes perfect sense. I set down the game I rented and search for any instructions they may have left, like "please water the lawn every other morning," or "please sit around in our empty house bored out of your mind." There's no note, so I opt for the latter.

Sometime later one of the culprits calls to check in and, among other things, asks me to pay their rent for the month. I start to wonder if I accidently joined a cult when I offered to take care of the dog until she clarifies that I'm supposed to use one of her own checks and forge the signature. Okay, good, because that was getting shady.

"Oh yeah," she says, "and there's some poop by the front gate that Silas was interested in yesterday, so make sure he doesn't eat it."

A Flaw in the System

If you woke up at 3 a.m. and someone had set your alarm clock to military time, how would you ever know?

What I Learned Today

Nothing good can come from playing with your mustache and a binder clip.

Regardings Your Job Offer

Editor's Note: The following conversation is presented in its entirety. The names have not been changed because neither/none of them are the actual names of the parties involved, except maybe Mick D William/Williams/Williamson... one of those, anyway. The Hotmail alias "BobbyGeneric88" is indeed a reference to the character of the same name from the 90s cartoon "Bobby's World" and is used without permission. Should FOX and/or Howie Mandel seek legal recourse, we at This Guy ask that they start with the jerks who took "BobbyGeneric" and all the BobbyGenerics numbered one through 22.

Part 1: sacramento craigslist > media jobs
Job Offer/Stress Free Apply Now
Reply to: job-752091721@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-12, 8:38AM PDT

Job Offer/Stress Free Apply With Resume.

Compensation: 400
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
You may contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 752091721


Part 2: Stress Free Application
From: Bobby Generic (bobbygeneric88@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sat 7/12/08 11:17 AM
To: job-752091721@craigslist.org

Hi,

I saw your job offer on craigslist and it sounded really interesting. You will find that I am already more than qualified for the described position and would be a great asset to your company/household/workplace/whatever it is you're looking for. I do however, have a question about compensation. What exactly would I be receiving 400 of, and how often?

Thanks,

Your Favorite Applicant

Resume

Objective: to get a stress free job

Education: a college one time

Major coursework: 135

Employment History: some jobs

Job Related Skills: aplenty

Other Interests: stress free recreation, stress free volunteer work

References: people I know (they’re great)


Part 3: Regardings Your Job offer as an Executive Trustee

From: Mick Williamson (m.williamjobtile2@netscape.com) [You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe]
Sent: Sat 7/12/08 10:15 PM
Reply-to: mick.williamscarpetsuk@hotmail.com
To: m.williamcarpetsuk@inc.net

Hi,

Thanks very much for the response. I must say it’s highly appreciated.
The job does not entail much. All you would be doing is receiving these payments in form of Money Orders/Check or Bank Wire Transfers, which would be coming from clients of mine in the United States via courier e.g. FedEx or UPS.

So when you get these Funds all you have to do is have them cashed and deduct your share (10%) and wire the rest down to me here in UK or anywhere our correspondent is in the world via (Western Union Money Transfer) or (Money Gram Money Transfer).

I would also need some proof of Identity. So I have attached an Employment form for you to fill and send back to me via email.

Vinyl Carpets vary in prices but most purchases range from about $3000 and above. Well you would be receiving funds ranging from over $3000 and you are meant to take out 10% from the funds you received and then forward the remaining balance as instructed via Wire Transfer. You are likely to be receiving these funds every week and possibly twice a week, so you are meant to take 10% out of every Transaction processed.

With this offer, you'll be earning at least $300 a week.

NOTICE: This is strictly a legal offer and your Private personal information is not needed e.g. Social Security # or anything that can be of adverse effect to your personal security and privacy.

APPLICANT INFORMATION NEEDED FOR EMPLOYMENT CONFIRMATION

FIRST NAME…………………………

LAST NAME………………………………

HOME ADDRESS (* NO P.O. BOXES*)
…………………………………………………………

CITY……………………………………..

STATE…………………………………..

ZIP CODE………………………………..

COUNTRY……………………………...

PHONE NUMBER (S) CELL ……………………………………

HOME ………………………………

WORK.........................................

GENDER……………………………..

MARITAL STATUS (OPTIONAL)……………………………

AGE (OPTIONAL)…………………………………..

NATIONALITY (OPTIONAL)…………………………………..

PRESENT PLACE OF WORK…………………………………………………………

ATTESTATION
According to how you have been briefed earlier. You are required to receive payment on behalf of the above-mentioned firm. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order & forward the balance payment via Money gram or Western Union to any of the company’s regional warehouses that will be given to you later.

You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job. This will enable us stop any payments coming your way and it would also reduce conflicts.

You will not be held liable for any issues arising from shipping errors you will also not be accountable for funds not collected and all order implementation errors. My instruction will be followed to provide the best possible service for both parties and the Client in Question

In agreement to this kindly append signature below.

………………………………………

As soon as the form is signed and returned to us you will receive an email from us accepting or declining your application within 24 hours. Note in the event that your application is turned down it will not be as a result of any of the optional data supplied those are just to enable us know you (our employee) better.

Thanks.

M D Williamson Carpets Ltd,
12B Norwich Road,
Fakenham, Norfolk,
NR21 8AX
Email: mick.williamscarpetsuk@hotmail.com
VAT Registration No: 787 4632 80

MD Williamson tm 2008