Today At Lunch I Took an Ultra Mega Green Dietary Supplement, Which Had, Among Other Things, 4167% of My Daily Value of Vitamin B-12 (Cyanocobalamin)

My pee looks like chicken broth.

Puzzles, Part Four of a Three Part Series Told in Two Parts and an Additional Part or, The Additional Part

Yesterday I went to Denio's Roseville Farmers Market and Auction, not to see what was new, mind you, but to accompany a dear friend in need of a new pair of stolen Converse. However, while my friend Josh, who will remain "un"named, was pursuing his particular podiaic preferences, I happened into a nearby store that sold used books and really used books, and various items that probably have collectable value to people who save old q-tips and reuse Big Mac containers.

At first I thought I had gone in because it was hot enough outside to fire an ashtray in your hands, but once I got there I realized that it was fate. This store sold used puzzles.

My search for the perfect puzzle met with early resistance, as I had to step aside twice for the same elderly gentleman to shuffle by and because most of the puzzles promised little more than bald eagles or the daily life of the Amish for what would amount to days of puzzling efforts. But just as I was beginning to give in to the mounting tidal wave of despair, there called out to me from between the Eagle with Trout and Whimsical Kittens, "Zoos & Aquariums of North America" in all its 1000 piece glory.

The title of the piece sat just above a map in the puzzle's center, right where Canada would usually go, and a wise-eyed and aged Panda and his accompaniment of bamboo served to block out Mexico, while the United States of America shown proudly amid a halo of fierce and exotic animals. The border of the piece was a colorful display of zoo and aquarium posters, including the Waikiki Aquarium (home to endangered Hawaiian Monk Seals) and the Denver Zoo (one of the world's largest areas for monkeys and apes). I was pretty excited about paying the $1.75 for this bad boy.

Today I didn't have a whole lot to do. I did some reading, a little bit of moping, and a fair amount of sweating in bed and throwing up. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. However, in the meantime I also did a lot of thinking about my puzzle while watching the second half of Jurassic Park on A&E.

As an experienced builder of used puzzles, I knew it would be a foolish waste of time to begin building the puzzle without confirming that all 1000 pieces were present. And so I counted. In less than an hour I had all four corner pieces accounted for, and probably 90 percent of the edge pieces in a separate bag, and then I began counting. With every ten pieces I would mark a tally on the bag and then watch a Velociraptor eat someone. After a while of this the raptors began opening doors and I decided I would rather watch Jeff Goldblum stutter than count and categorize scraps of cardboard, so I temporarily ended the count at 170.

Temporarily, that is, until I put the top back on the puzzle box. Temporarily, that is, until I noticed the sticker on the cover, the sticker marked "1 pc missing."

I set the box down, took a sip of water and glared at the box while Laura Dern stumbled around in air ducts and T-Rex decimated the main lobby. I turned off the movie during a commercial and never bothered to see the survivors off the island, even though Jurassic Park was on three times today and I watched the kitchen scene twice. I probably won't even care if Jurassic Park IV sucks. In my opinion, since things have become clear in the last couple of hours, the zoos and aquariums of North America suck.

Just Because I'm Long Winded Doesn't Mean I Talk A Lot

Case in point

I Just Beat Solitaire in One Game

I can't even decide if that counts as playing. I don't even know if that was an accomplishment. I think I need to go write.

Word on the Street

It turns out that Loser24 doesn't care for realtime blogging. Good for him.

The "Easy" Button

So, there I was sitting in an office chair, starring at a computer screen, hoping the phone wouldn't ring, when I noticed the easy button lying on the desk. I'd seen the commercials before, and, oh crap, the phone is ringing.

Nabisco Has Gone Too Far

I find the Nilla wafers packaging to be highly unsettling.

Nilla wafers are as calm a snack product as there will ever be, but there is way too much action on the cover of the box. Namely, one of the wafers is plunging—with no apparent source of propulsion—into a short, though probably refreshing, glass of milk. I don't like it. There is no way this wafer could possibly have propelled itself into the milk without a prime mover. No form of wafer, Nilla being no exception, has any sort of locomotive ability aside from the aptitude to roll down an incline or fall from a precariously balanced position, i.e. edge of a precipice. This wafer was obviously thrown.

What kind of sick individual would throw a Nilla wafer, I do not know. But I would add that it was hardly necessary to immortalize the event by plastering such an offense on every box of Nilla wafers currently in print.

My many faithful and highly irregular readers can testify that I have never been one to call out my corporate sponsors in such a widely read forum as my very own blog, but Nabisco, you've got some explaining to do. My Nilla wafers will be no part of your high-flying acrobatic spectacle or your Hollywood blockbuster stunt. No sir, my Nilla wafers will be arranged on a separate plate, and I will enjoy them with a glass of milk, and that milk will not be poured so close to the top that I have to sip a little before picking it up, because my Nilla wafers will be wafers of comfort, and my Nilla wafers will be wafers of peace. You can keep your "simple goodness," Nabisco, but you best set my Nilla wafers down, on a paper towel, with half a sliced banana. And you most certainly will not disturb me from my nap after I have cleaned up my mess and wiped off my placemat. And with that, good day to you, Nabisco.

I Laugh When a Flamingo Trips

I laugh when a flamingo trips
and plays it off like nothing happened,
and when a llama gazes into the distance,
contemplating,
then turns and meets my eyes
and declares us equals with his gaze.

I laugh when my mom looses her glasses
on her head.
and when Dad realizes he is wrong
halfway through explaining why he is right,
and when they both have to call me
because they can’t work the remote.

I laugh when I chomp down on a fork
even though I’ve been feeding myself
for a good while now,
and when I fart loudly during the final,
in the class I might be failing
but no one seems to notice.

Hey Look at Me

I'm doing work and being productive, I mean, wasting my life away online. Okay I love ya ba-bye.

Ah Crap v.2

Enough said.

What Sitting on a Bench Did to Me

When my cousin Rosalind was three years old, my aunt heated up a bottle of milk for her. But Rosalind thought the milk was too cold, so my aunt heated it some more. Still, Rosalind said her bottle was too cold, and my Aunt kept heating it up, and it was always too cold, so finally she tested a few drops on her wrist, and the milk was scalding.

When my Aunt told me about this, I first thought that something must be wrong with Rosalind’s nervous system, but that wasn’t the case. Somehow, Rosalind had confused the words “hot” and “cold.” Hot still felt hot, and cold felt cold, but somehow the words had gotten switched in her head.

I don’t really know why I am writing this, except it just came to me as a parallel for where I am at in life, and I don’t really know why yet.

I guess I figured someone out there might find a witty way to ridicule my subconcious.

We Put Mother Nature in a Home, feedback would be lovely

The modern shady tree beside a lazy brook
Charges and syncs via USB.
Or, for more serious thinkers,
There’s the contemplative rock,
Assuming they're lucky enough to run across one
On the race to work, or class, or distraction.

But there’s nothing fashionable about rocks—
Even our paperweights
Come in etched glass and silver plate.

Eye Kneed Too Bee Moore Carful

I'm not really sure what "butter irony" is, but I know it doesn't belong in my American Novel critical analysis essay.

Things that Blow

Heavy winds, light breezes and wind patterns inbetween

Oscillating fans

Bellows

American Novel critical analysis papers on Invisible Man due tomorrow morning

I Seem to have Gotten Ahead of Myself

I think... yeah, I think I'll get something accomplished today.

I spent a few days in Arkansas last weekend, and let me tell you, it was real nice to be in a place where Jesus is Lord. I'm thinking I might start a petition to elect Jesus as Lord of a local city, it was so great. I really felt touched by that sign, and by Jesus' Lordship in Siloam Springs.

We Put Mother Nature in a Home, take two

The modern shady tree beside a lazy brook
Is a five-ounce contraption with a color display,
Or, if you’re serious about it,
A contemplative rock,
Assuming you’re lucky enough to run across one
On the race to work, or class, or distraction.

But there’s just nothing fashionable about rocks—
Even our paperweights
Come in etched glass and silver plate.

My parents are too cute.

A Cute Little Post or, A Reader Sits in with Two Guns at a Weekly Session

I came here to espouse that obtuse is a stupid word and should only be used in mathematical and scientific references, but then I looked up expouse, my first attempt at spelling espouse, and discovered that I really don't know how to use it in a sentence, but since I signed in I might as well say something.

I think obtuse is a wonderful word and it ought to be used more often.

Please watch closely as until-now-obscure Amazon.com reviewer Brian Seiler from Kingwood, Texas uses the word obtuse in a real-life setting, describing the band Cake's most recent release, Pressure Chief:

"On the whole, this is a different, more mature, less obtuse effort for Cake--the metaphors here aren't nearly as thickly obfuscated as those that you find on their previous efforts." - Brian Seiler (emphasis added).

Such adjectival mastery.

Actually, I think this would be a good time to stop and think about the word "obfuscated" for a moment.

hmm... obfuscated.

You might think that I inadvertently deleted a vowel from that word, but the root word, obfuscate, is actually part of a small-but-growing movement within the English language, in cooperation with a, e, i, o, u and, sometimes, y, to bring b and f together, with the hope that their familiarity will eventually lead to the formation of a new letter (which I lack the key to display) and, along with it, a host of new curse words that will be really difficult, and therefore very satisfying, to say.

Anyway, as I was saying, obtuse... wow. And not just obtuse, but obtuser and obtusest, respectively. Amazing.

Okay, I am going to be honest, this really all started because I wanted to make fun of Brian Seiler, which isn't really fair, because it isn't right to make fun of someone just because he or she (in this case, he) has a larger vocabulary than you do. So why don't you just leave the guy alone. Seriously, lay off, alright?

In fact, why don't you get a bflippin' dictionary and maybe learn something new in the process? I mean, who makes fun of a guy for what he says on Amazon.com? Get a life.

Alright, alright, I'm not mad, I'm not mad. I'm just... disappointed, is all. You're better than this. I know you are. Now, pick yourself up, dust off your jeans, maybe put them in the wash sometime soon (maybe toss your pillow case in there too... it's been awhile...) and go get something to eat.

Yeah, you get 'em, tiger.

Murder on the Panda Express

I heard a loud crinkling noise in the alley, and when I came around the corner... when I came around the corner they were just, ripping them in half, like... like they were fortune cookies or something, and the slips of paper... my goodness the paper... it was everywhere...

I Used To Feel Guilty That I Had Two Pairs of Shoes

Then I met a man who had no feet.

One Wonders Whether The Weather Man Can

It's raining;
It's pouring;
One can only guess
what the old man's up to.

We Put Mother Nature in a Home, take one

The modern shady tree beside a lazy brook
Is a pair of earbuds and an iPod.
Or, if you’re serious about it,
A contemplative rock,
Assuming you’re lucky enough to run across one
As we race to work, or class, or distraction.

But there’s nothing fashionable about rocks—
Even our paperweights
Come in plate glass and brushed metal.

"Maybe Responses are More Important than Answers" - J.S. Finney

"When we have new eyes, we can look into the eyes of those we don't even like and see the One we love. We can see God's image in everyone we encounter. As Henri Nouwen puts it, 'In the face of the oppressed I recognize my own face, and in the hands of the oppressor I recognize my own hands. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my blood, their pain is my pain, their smile is my smile.' We are made of the same dust. We cry the same tears. No one is beyond redemption. And we are free to imagine a revolution that sets both the oppressed and the oppressors free."

-Shane Claiborne
The Irresistible Revolution, Living as an Ordinary Radical

This is my way of saying "you're not my mom." Of course, that quote is not directed at my mom. That would just be plain inaccurate.

This Guy is Always Tired or, I Am Attempting to Bring in Revenue Via Product Placement or, Never Limit Yourself with a Title

It seems pretentious, if nothing else, to make an allusion to my own body of "work," but I think simply acknowledging that fact gives me immunity. I am, of course, referring to the title of this post, and to Survivor.

What I am getting at is this: I am tired. I am always tired. This wasn't always the case. There was a time, back in '84, when I didn't exist. Then last semester I drank three Mountain Dews in one night because they were free, and because they were good and I had just remembered.

Okay, so maybe my situation is a little more realistic than that. But here is the deal: I haven't slept past 6:30 (anti-meridian, which I have recently become, by the way) since last Friday. I probably know why that is the case, but I don't want to say because you will make fun of me.

I hope this morning was the climactic event, because I woke up at 5:38, which is apparently a great time to purchase shoes. Who knew?

Maybe I should get a Select Comfort Sleep Number bed. I doubt they come in twin size, but I guess I could always send in for the free video. Maybe that would help me sleep. Maybe if I stopped writing this and got back to my homework I could get some extra sleep tonight.

I believe it was Garth Algar who said "Yeah... and monkeys might fly out of my butt."

p.s. Don't ever Google search "butt." It wasn't worth it.

I've Been Thinking

I really ought to post something new. Hmmm... yeah, I should do that soon. I think the problem is that I usually only blog to make my not-interesting life at least read in an interesting manner... and now that it seems particularly interesting, I have a bit of a problem recognizing blogging material. I guess that is only sort of bad. Okay, since I don't sleep at night anymore I think I will take a 30 minute nap. I hope that goes well. Maybe I will tell you about it sometime.

This isn't really a costume, that is why my favorite part is the chair, or maybe my new jeans, same as the old jeans, only new, and void of unwanted holes. I seem to have gotten off topic. Maybe I should tell you that the hat that I wasn't wearing had a spider in it. Maybe I should tell you that Vat 69 has a Band of Brothers connection, and I like it for that reason, even though I have never tasted it, and probably won't ever. Maybe I should move on to the next picture and try harder next time.

Trust me, this is ironic and funny, and I am glad I was there to capture the moment.

They keep their lawns emaculate at the United Parcel Service, I mean in Arkansas.

For Me To Comment On

Private Property. No Trespassing.

Acknowledging the Unbearable Wait

If you are wondering why there is still no Paddington sonnet, just consider that the commissioned author is the one on the left.

"A Rather Shapeless Hat"

I don't post pictures anymore unless I take them myself, but I really wanted to keep the raging, palpable Paddington hype going before the big release of "A Sonnet Called Paddington" (working title), so I had to compromise. Technically I took this picture. The magnifying icon that I forgot to move off the screen is proof. Please enjoy this artistic interpretation of Paddington sans Wellington boots.

A Bear By Any Other Name Would Not Smell As Sweet

You really shouldn't spend a lot of time reading this stuff out loud, the world is full of enough noise already; however, I feel that it is important for you to read the following two words out loud: Paddington Bear.

Seriously, if you are still reading this and you have not said "Paddington Bear," stop reading and just say it. You have to say it out loud. Thinking it and chuckling to yourself doesn't count. Actually, say it again. Paddington Bear.

I recently discovered that I have spent the better part of my life completely smitten by Paddington Bear, and I have decided to be proactive about it and write him a sonnet.

I can't decide on Petrarchan or Shakespearean.

More to come. And by "more to come," I mean, "a sonnet about Paddington Bear is to come."

Hey February, Pick On Someone Your Own Size

I don't have time to talk about it, but that has never stopped me in the past. My old photography teacher told me that I am artistic, which I thought meant I was good at art, but it turns out that it just means I'm sensitive.

My source of Northern Wisdom told me that our generation is subject to "quarter-life crises," and that was good to hear because from the way I have been feeling I thought I was going to die at forty. I hope that last one made sense because I thought it was really funny.

I wrote a poem about all of "this" for a class. It's one of those "I don't know what I am saying yet" kind of poems. It was supposed to be free verse, but I stopped short of polishing up the meter because I had other things to put off. I hope you like it.

A Title would be Venturing a Guess

I hope this poem takes a long time to write
Because if I finish it too soon, well…
I will be in trouble; I will be forced
To move on and do something else
And since this is a poem I will not lie,
Right now I feel like I would rather
Drop out of school and get a job
Than figure out this stupid business letter
Assignment. Last Thursday I told my friend
That I was acting like a big baby,
That I just needed to buck up and do it.
But that was when it wasn’t due tomorrow.
I find it’s easy to be optimistic
When the future is an idea,
And it’s easy to get depressed
When I stop to identify the problem
And I’m ashamed of what I think is wrong.

Tonight I can sleep soundly, knowing that the out-of-focus puzzle pieces are kept at bay by my ever-vigilant micro machines army man w/ a bazooka.

This stuff doesn't get old.

Happy Valentine's Day from the Oxford Essential Quotations Dictionary

Love is the fart
Of every heart:
It pains a man when 'tis kept close,
And others doth offend, when 'tis let loose.

- John Suckling

I guess this doesn't really need a caption.

Like a Sloth with Diarrhea...

Last night I went to bed with a headache and an upset stomach and dreamed of chicken burgers with mustard, barbeque sauce and onions. This morning I woke up with a headache and an outright pissed stomach and decided to let the chicken patty go to Problem Solving for me. I will get the notes from him later.

I have experienced the intestinal violence of bodily thinking twice about bad meat in the past, but right now I feel like I am in a long-standing verbally-abusive relationship with my digestive system, and it is time to get out. Hopefully I can catch the Wellness Center before they close all day for lunch. Lunch... eugh...

This Month Has Reduced Me to Near-Pithy Observations

Nevertheless, I feel the need to tell my readers that the chicken burgers are to be avoided. Furthermore, it is doubtful that my chicken patty came from one chicken. And in conclusion, finishing up with a fried banana was neither necessary nor prudent.

Holy Crap!

School, in February, gets busy.

I'll tell you about it sometime.

Man, How 'Bout that Super Bowl?

Yeah, that pizza was something else.

The Incarcerated Commode

If there is one thing I have learned from my parents, its "never trust a toilet."

Look Ma, Iambic Pentameter

Goodbye Easter Ham, Director's Cut.

I loved you like no other could, yon ham.
And I with happy heart and joyous face
Would sup with you alone, not leg of lamb,
And daily I would lie in your embrace.

Then time did come for us to say adieu.
I sealed thee In Ziploc with a kiss.
Oh muse, my love in absence fonder grew.
My nights were filled with dreams of you on Swiss.

But something awful chanced then to transpire.
A Locked gate separated me and fridge.
My bosom was robbed of all it desired
By a chasm no mortal man could bridge.

And now, apart from you in pain I dwell,
Here all alone in this, my hamless hell.

Ten Inches on A6

A string of beatings
In a single night last week.
Bruises, black eyes
And broken teeth.

Rocks, bricks, fists and feet,
Pellet guns and knives.
Baseball bats
Are a favored weapon.

A group of teenagers
Who piled into a car
And went
Looking for homeless people to beat up.

Practically sport among young people,
Mostly white men under 20.

The death of 45-year-old
Norris Gaynor, whose head
And chest were bashed
With a baseball bat
While he slept on a park bench.

Homeless people just take it on the chin
And move
To a more secluded area.

Willy the Wonder Balloon: ten years later and you still look as young as ever.

Word Processors Are Crappy Places to Vent

Holding shift down really hard should increase the font size. Either that, or I should just start screaming out loud.

Google Vs the Government, Plus Llamas

I like Google a lot. I like that I can sit down and type “llama poetry” and actually find a Web site that is dedicated to all things llama poetry in .56 seconds. There is something comforting about that. However, I also like that no one else has to know. That is to say, tell no one.

But in case you weren’t aware, there are more insidious things floating around on the World Wide Web than haikus about ruminant mammals—child pornography, for example—and there are also many people who have much more important secrets to keep than I do, such as financial information and weird obsessions with finding their high school crushes.

And thus we begin to shed some light on why there is so much controversy surrounding Google, pornography and personal privacy these days.

The government currently requires public schools and libraries with internet access to use content-filtering software, but it knows, along with most PLNU students, that filters don’t really work. So, to do better, the Department of Justice wants Google to provide one million random Web addresses and a record of all searches sent through Google in a given week.

With this information, combined with the data it has already collected from Yahoo, Microsoft and America Online, the government hopes to discover where objectionable content is and how it is most often found.

But Google isn’t going to comply without fighting what it says will jeopardize vital trade secrets and consumers’ personal information.

I feel bad for Google, and for people who are afraid Big Brother is going to find out about their fascination with making pipe bombs for recreational purposes, but as keeper of the most popular search engine in the world, Google really is in a position to do something about the out-of-control porn industry.

The problem is that people are just too paranoid. It is unfortunate that this controversy should arise just weeks after The New York Times revealed that the Bush Administration had sidestepped Congress to conduct wiretaps without warrants. All of this has nervous bloggers running around in the streets crying “The PATRIOT Act Ate My Baby!”

But this isn’t about finding Osama bin Laden in your carry-on items. The government needs information if it is going to effectively protect children without infringing on free speech with software that doesn’t work, but Google has stocks, and shareholders get uncomfortable when online services share information with third parties for any reason. In this environment, Google is practically being forced to fight the government to protect business.

Consumers need to realize that they have to be willing to lose some of their of privacy if they really want safety, and if that means a bureaucrat somewhere might find out that I admire the expressive nature of llamas, so be it.

The Mysterious Demise of Janice and Fredrick

I was just taking a walk down computer memory lane when I came across this bad short story I wrote for a class last summer. The assignment was to write a one-page story that included as many of the elements of bad storytelling as possible. The idea was to get bad storytelling out of our system. I don't know if it worked, but I do think I fulfilled the assignment.

And thus it begins:

“Goodbye,” Winston said to Janice and Fredrick, with a hint of that real sadness people have in their voice when they say goodbye to their close friends. “I will call you when I get to the airport in Boise.”

"Bye old friend,” replied Fredrick.

“Have a great trip. Fly safe,” came the reply from Janice.

“Ha, tell that to the pilot,” Winston joked back. With a surprisingly firm grasp for a man who would be 70 in three more days, Winston took hold of his clumsy hard-shelled suitcase. Patches of red showed through on its heavily scratched surface between the masses of stickers the bag had acquired from hundreds of trips through customs. His wife, Tabitha, an aging tennis athlete, had offered to replace the bag on several occasions. “It’s so tacky,” she would say. But Winston loved the bag and would never allow it to be replaced.

Now holding the bag, Winston used his other hand to search his inside coat pocket. Sure enough, he had remembered to bring his boarding pass. Thank God for online check in, thought Winston. My, how technology had developed in his lifetime.

Winston stepped over a little mound of cigarette butts and headed toward the airport. A large set of glass double doors slid open as he approached, he entered, and with that, he was gone.

“Do you think that we will ever see him again?” Janice asked Fredrick.

“You know perfectly well that we will not,” Fredrick retorted.

Oh yeah, Janice remembered. Today was the day that she and Fredrick were going to drive off of the edge of the Snake River canyon in a fiery blaze of death.

What a silly person Janice is for forgetting, Fredrick said to himself.

No one knows if Janice and Fredrick ever made it to that cliff or not. No wreckage was ever found, but some say that it was washed away in the powerful current and carried to the Gulf. Others say that they changed their mind and tried facing up to their financial struggles like adults, but either way they were never heard from again, which led Chief Smith to suspect that the mafia was involved.

Apparently Samantha doesn't think those last pictures were very funny. Either that or she is just gross-looking.

Navel oranges are just like little orange cats, only rounder.

With a little imagination, navel oranges can even have little orange cat faces.

It's Official...

Today I was carefully reading all six sides of a box of Celestial Seasonings Herb Tea for poetic inspiration when I noticed that the "About Herb Tea" section was full of sentence fragments. It began to bother me. It is still bothering me. I will probably look for opportunities to bring it up in conversation tomorrow. I just keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, but there is a muscle or group of muscles between my eyebrows that is getting tense, and my arms feel a little shaky, and I know it is because of the sentence fragments on a box of herbal tea.

Oh man, did I ever get an email about this.

Layout Tuesday Deserves Moby Dick's Last Name

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Sincerely,

TG

Moby Dick Deserves His Last Name

It is past 11:00 and I have more than 100 pages to read before my class at 8:00.

I really hope he gets it in the end.

I guess this means there's "no fat." Perhaps unattributed quotations are outside the jurisdiction of the FDA.

She rings a bell when she wants outside, and she picks up her leash and brings it to you on command, and I still have dog hair on my clothes from Christmas Break. Good girl.

Puzzles, Part Three of a Three Part Series Told in Two Parts, with a Forward by the Author's Roommate

"I think this about sums it up."
-Dub, Two Guns' roommate (2003-present)

The third puzzle that we were going to build was called "No. 3, Rivers and Streams," of the European Wildlife Collection. It was a 1000-piece special gold series Jigsaw Puzzle (by James Hamilton), produced in association with the Fédération Rhône-Alps de Protection de la Nature - Université Lyon, illustrated by François Crozat. This puzzle was more than a puzzle; it was a dream.

My roommate Dub and I were eating dinner when we decided we would start the puzzle later that day. Walking back to the dorm, I turned to Dub and told him that this was the beginning of the new me. No longer would my life be shackled by the ugly chains of Procrastination. "'Why do tomorrow what you can do today?' From this point on, that's what I've always said," I told him.

With the card table set up and World Series Poker on the TV, we began sifting through the puzzle box for border pieces, being careful to set the corner pieces in a separate stack. When the last piece had been examined for a straight edge, we began preparing ourselves for assembly mode. Then I made a horrifying discovery—we only had three corner pieces.

Figuring that we had overlooked the missing piece in our haste to begin building, the two of us started searching through the box again, transferring the examined pieces from the bottom part of the box to the top. My hopes of finding the missing corner rose with every previously-overlooked edge piece that I found, but eventually the box was empty, and our stack of corners was no taller.

However, all was not necessarily lost. While I had discovered five additional edge pieces in the second sifting, Dub had found none, and I was holding onto the hope that he was completely off his puzzle-piece-identifying game. I was going to search again, but this time I was going to search alone.

I went through the box for the third time one piece at a time, making sure that I had checked all four edges of every piece before moving to the next. Seven hundred and eighty-eight pieces later, the stack of corners defiantly remained three pieces high.

I hated that stack. I wanted it to die.

"That sucks," said Dub. "Yeah," I replied. The guy across the hall thought it sucked too. "Hey are you guys watching poker?" he asked.

The dream was over, and we knew it, so I did what I always do; I popped open an IBC and put off my homework until the weekend, which isn't until tomorrow, and might not be until Sunday.

And Now, By Popular Demand, Puzzles, Parts One and Two of a Three-Part Series Told in Two Parts

My roommate and I like to build puzzles together, or at least we think we do, but we have only built two puzzles in our three years together, so maybe we don't know what we are talking about.

Our first puzzle adventure was a rendition of the classic Uncle Sam "I WANT YOU" poster. Because I am a college student I felt immediately attracted to this puzzle. I still have mixed feelings about the war effort and war efforts in general, and war generals in general war efforts in general (hard to believe, but true), but I know exactly how I feel about $3 puzzles. I love them to pieces.

Oh man, that was a good one.

Please keep in mind that I am only writing about this first (1st) puzzle so I can delight you with the story of another puzzle later on, so while there are some delightful elements to the Uncle Sam puzzle’s biography, all I will say is that once the final piece was put into place (it was an eggshell piece with brown specks), we glued the finished product to a piece of foam board with the intention of mounting it on the wall, but the board was warped and we couldn't think of a way to mount it. Then, to top it off, I lost one of the corner pieces when I brought it home for the summer. Remember this part of the story because this is where the irony is going to come from.

I’m not really sure why we still kept Uncle Sam behind the couch for an additional four months, but I eventually admitted for both of us that we would never find the missing piece, and even if we had the piece we wouldn’t hang up the puzzle because it was warped, so I wrapped it in a big Target bag with duct tape and gave it away as a white elephant gift. The gift I got was even crappier so I don’t feel bad about what I did even one bit.

Our story continues…

Our second (2nd) puzzle was (is, still) a panoramic image (over three feet long!) of Times Square, New York.

It is awesome.

We talked about building this puzzle all semester long but I think we were afraid to begin because of what happened with Uncle Sam (1st). However, when we did finally begin construction during the last week of school, it only took us three days to finish the job. It is now the coolest thing hanging on any of our walls.

I really want to emphasis that this puzzle is awesome. People walk into our room and the first thing they say is “Hey, do you guys have any tape?” Then I go “Probably. Hey check out our puzzle, isn’t it awesome?” Then they say something like “Yeah, that’s really cool. Hey do you mind if I borrow some?” No one has ever disagreed with my opinion about the puzzle.

So this time around we decided that things were going to be different (that is to say, better, as opposed to “Is he funny?” “Funny? I don’t know—he’s… ‘different.’”) and we began the third (3rd) puzzle on the second (Times Square) day of school. I know, wow.

Shoot, it’s time for class. Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion.

Sometimes I Resent All These Dots

Don't I have homework or something?

...And Sometimes Y

...And The Rest Will Follow is a great album by a great band called Project 86. Even if you don't like them, they are still excellent. Yeah, that kind of great... like great grandpas, only with a lot more screaming I hope.

In honor of ...And The Rest Will Follow, I have decided to embark on a musical odyssey to add knew meaning to the first two days of Spring Semester '06.

To begin, if The White Stripes have anything to say about Spring Semester '06, they aren't saying it now, to me. They are just yelling about some girl, which seems a little one-sided on Jack's part if you ask me, or Meg. Hang on a second while I find something more appropriate (this is real-time, by the way... each and every time you read it).

Well, all I found was "Dead by Dawn," by Showbread. This isn't working like I thought maybe it would, or at least I hope it isn't. This is kind of fun though—a one-sided musical odyssey needlessly communicated through print... excuse me for a second.

Thanks for waiting. Where were we?

Tomorrow Begins Spring Semester '06

My roommate and I are both exhausted for some reason and have been watching the clock since 6:45. We know that if we go to bed too early we will wake up too soon, but we really want to sleep. I wish there was some sort of compromise that we could make, but it looks to me like our only option is to just rough it and stay up 'til some ungodly hour like 9:30 or 10:00. I know, it's sick. Also, I must be at least 80 years old.

I was going to delight you with a tale about how we almost built a puzzle today, but in writing it I realized that is was necessary to tell you about the other two puzzles we built previously, and while writing that I realized that I was trying to delight you with a tale about how we almost built a puzzle... so I decided that it would probably be more entertaining for all of us if I just stopped writing and stared at the clock until it was time for bed.

I Break for the Holidays or, Herman Melville is Overrated

In honor of just beating solitaire twice in a row, I have decided to update my readers on my Christmas Break happenings thus far.

Two days ago I went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping, as we all do to commemorate when the Magi stopped outside of Bethlehem and bought gold, frankincense and myrrh during the big sales—Balthazar is reported to have received a free box of truffles with his $50 or more purchase, a $10 value, but he held out on Jesus because his dyslexic mother had taught him that chocolate was bad for gods—but I ended up just buying a bunch of stuff for myself, to commemorate when the shepherds stopped on their way to Bethlehem and bought Steve Martin cds and some books for school.

Chief among the books I got is Moby Dick or, The Whale. Not many people know that Moby Dick or, The Whale has a secondary title, namely, The Whale. This is a misleading title, to be sure, because when read out loud it could sound like I am presenting two options of what I bought, and it is the listener's job to decipher which is the correct name of the book, but in actuality the or is functioning as an and, which is also confusing because Moby Dick and the Whale is even more incorrect and has the potential to be a great deal more offensive. I have chosen to address the book as simply, The Whale to prevent myself from snickering when I say the title, thereby prolonging the life of my nasal passages.

After two days of casual reading, I only have 601 pages left, but the last page isn't even a full page, so I basically only have 600 pages to go. This will, however, take me a little longer than you might expect since I prefer to understand what I am reading and I have to read The Whale with a dictionary nearby, and whenever I pick up the dictionary I get to reading it and looking at the pictures.

I doubt that the man at the Barnes and Noble Title Sleuth Desk knows about the secondary title, unless of course I mean Moby Dick, which I might, now that I am calling it The Whale, but I don't. The other book I purchased is called Invisible Man. I asked the man at the Barnes and Noble Title Sleuth Desk who the author of Invisible Man was, and he said H.G. Wells without even looking it up, which was wrong—both H.G. Wells and not looking it up, in that order.

I could have corrected him, but everyone around me was Christmas shopping and I felt "in the way," so I went to the back of the store and did my own title sleuthing, which would have just been author sleuthing if I had known how to spell invisible. I would have known sooner that I didn't know how to spell invisible if "invisable" hadn't brought up four results, but I was eventually tipped off by the fact that none of the results were The Invisible Man, by H.G. Wells, so I searched for H.G. Wells and learned how to spell, so the man at Barnes and Noble ended up helping me after all.

TRANSITION

We have three cats and a dog. We keep the cats' food dish on a towel on a chair—the towel to keep the chair clean and the chair to keep the dog "out of the kitty food." This morning, our only legitimate cat, Jacob, ate some of his food, promptly threw it up, and then returned for a second helping. After he was done eating for the second time, or done eating, that is, his kitty instincts kicked in and he tried covering the left-over food with the towel, in order to protect it from the elements, I suppose. Instead he knocked the dish onto the floor, thus scattering Hill's Prescription Diet all over the kitchen.

This is the most exciting thing that has happened during Christmas Break so far. I was asleep when it happened.

And with that, I wish you all happy holidays or, if that offends you, a merry Christmas.

"Fix You" Is a Good Song

It's over folks. That's right, today marks day the last of the first annual PLNU Fall Semester 2005. Three cheers for that.

We've had some good times, we've had some bad times, and inbetween we've had some just plain old times, which in the future we will refer to as good times as well. Good times.

Oh yeah, hip hip horray...

Yeah, way to finish strong, me. Always get 'em with the kicker.

This year I think I will wear pants and be less evil.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like, oh Forget It.

Baby, it's cold outside.

It is a pronoun, by the way. Just know that, please—please just know that it is a pronoun. Write it down if you need to (that is to say, write down that the word it is a pronoun). I don't really want to spend anymore time on this one. I have a Christmas party to attend. My friend is Santa, which is weird because he really exists.

Warmly,

TG

The Following Is What I Really Should Do More Often

I really should blog more often. Don't you agree? Yeah, you do, because you are me, and you are not that unstable.

But alas, and anon... and so forth.

This is the kind of crap I have to put up with every night.

This is my brother. I can't remember if he was looking for rocks to skip in the ocean or if he had just shot the man who murdered his family earlier in the film.

"For With God We Stand United, Bound by Love We Are."

For a number of years my school has thrown toilet paper onto the court after our basketball team scores its first point of the Homecoming game. It doesn't snow in San Diego, so the tradition is really unlike anything many of my peers have ever seen, and it tends to bring joy and mirth to all in attendance.

Unfortunately, over the course of the last two years, people have been adding sundry undesirable items to the traditional precipitate, and there was a growing concern that things would escalate.

Things really got bad when what we were doing ceased to represent the life and teachings of Jesus. Fortunately for our souls, the administration caught wind of our moral condition and rectified the tradition, in keeping with the Church's prescribed course of action, by putting it to death.

So tonight we all demonstrated the love of Jesus by not throwing anything on the court after the first point, or after any of the points for that matter. As an added bonus, I got a free T-shirt for only two dollars. Actually, it is more than a T-shirt; it is a symbol of hope and reconciliation.

The shirt is a handsome forest green, which represents New Life according to the wordless Bible, pretty much the only translation of the Gospel worth not reading. On it are the words "Represent" and "Don't throw the game away." Personally, I think the word "throw" should have been in quotes... like so.

The T in Represent is fashioned to look like a cross, the execution device used by the Romans for the basest of criminals. This is what I would call a clever suggestion. I am glad that no one chose to throw anything on the court. I am also glad that the administration chose such a tasteful way of designating the punishment for infraction.

In addition, the right sleeve proudly sports the mighty Sea Lion, our new mascot that no one ever hoped to receive, but everyone received freely nonetheless.

New life and abundant mercy given freely... it’s a good thing I have a view.

From the Still Torrent

Permeated with unrest,
Dripping with this weariness,
I sink between the bed and the wall,
Hemmed in by stale, dead, white.
I want to slather it all with blood,
With loud, beating permanence.

I want. I want. I have want.
And the silence of this stagnant torrent
Is broken by my bleating.

It is time

for a new post. Here it is. Sorry, but I really have stooped this low. Better luck next time eh?

Sincerely,

F You, Regression

"I've sought so hard to sustain this gain/Now watch me give this ground away/What can i do but admit I'm in over my head?/Colors fade from blue to dark red."

"My exit unobserved/And my homesickness absurd.../I said "water" expecting the Word would satisfy my thirst/Talking all about the second and third/When I haven't understood the first."

Tears stand ready in the ranks, awaiting an order never given, in keeping with their training.

But these songs have happy endings.

Lucky for you, Regression, it isn't Wednesday.

My MLA Handbook (5th Edition) Smells Like Fetal Pig

Thanks, MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers, for smelling like fetal pig in formaldehyde. Extra special thanks to Human Biology and Bioethics for teaching me what that smells like.

Assuming Honesty is the Best Policy

I am tired of being alone in my head. I don’t know if there is a cure for that or not. I think it might be prayer, but I am not sure. Sometimes prayer makes me feel like I am alone in my head, like my prayers are just bouncing off the inside of my skull. There are a lot of questions that I cannot ask anyone because no one has the answers… or at least there is no safe way for me to get them. I feel like all I can do is mess up because I do not recall having been pleasantly surprised when I go out on a limb and do something crazy like tell a girl I like her.

Sometimes I Wonder

Isn't that weird? I wonder why that is. Weird.

Yeah, I hate it when people are condescending. Now, bring me another brandy.

Still Taking Notes for My Best-Selling Memoir

I have always been a know-it-all. I could have published a book of my whole theory on life at age 10, and it would have been a very long book with not a lot of pictures.

I knew where to draw the line between good and evil; I knew roughly how old the universe was; I knew how the dinosaurs died; I knew what the perfect economic system was; I knew why there was poverty and hunger in the world; I knew why there were mosquitoes… In short, I understood the mysteries of God entirely.

Then something rather ordinary happened to me at the end of my junior year of high school. My friend, who not unlike myself was a socially awkward and nerdy fellow, asked the hottest girl at school how her weekend had been. I was highly disappointed, and a little indignant, as I watched them politely chat.

Due to my vast understanding of the inner workings of the universe, it took me a whopping three seconds to arrive at my conclusion: My friend was completely selling out by talking to this girl.

I understood girls like her. They were selfish, dim-witted and shallow. My friend was obviously giving in. He was tired of being a real person. For me, striving to be a real human being––to attain personhood––was a call to an honest, genuine lifestyle in which I had to sacrifice hanging out with people who walked around wearing masks all day trying to get people to like them for who they wished they were.

But this was really no sacrifice at all. The only challenge was resisting my desire to be accepted by the crowd. My friend had given up. He had exchanged personhood for acceptance.

It took me another four seconds to become completely floored. Thank God I was shorter then.

Somehow my eyes were opened to what was actually in front of me, and what I saw was two people talking. Two people. Talking. Being human with one another.

In that moment, standing in Mr. Thomas’ classroom during lunch  period on a rainy day, I realized that I was wrong. Not that I had been wrong, but that I was wrong. I realized that I had closed my book about life too early.

Last summer I read “Blue Like Jazz,” by Donald Miller. If you have already read it, it is one of the greatest books you have ever read--I assure you. In it I think Donald Miller spells out exactly what I have been learning for the past four years:

“The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me… No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction.”

I do not hold the keys to all knowledge and truth. People are people in process. They are not who they were or who they will be, ever. I might disagree with what people say about how the world works, about what is and is not important, but I can’t say for sure who people are or what drives them just from reading one thing they write or hearing one thing they say.

People are people, not the masks they wear.

Sixth Part of a Twenty-Six Part Series

Part Six*:

F

"F" stands for Freudian slip, which means "a mistake made in speaking that inadvertently reveals unconscious motives, etc." However, it sounds a lot like... well, actually I guess I don't know sexactly what it sounds like. I suppose there really isn't any confusion with this one.

*6

Working Title

I am pulling on a door
That will not open,
Trying desperately to get in
Or out...
All I know is
The door says push.

What Are You Eating Under There?

Under where?
Ahh shoot.
I got me.

Fifth Part of a Twenty-Six Part Series

Part Five*:

E

"E" stands for Erstwhile, which means "formerly" or "former." However, it sounds a lot like "burst whale," which means "to suddenly and violently vent a large, warm-blooded sea mammal." Therefore, to prevent an unnecessary mess, it is best to just say "formerly," or "former," respectively.

*nevermind, it wasn't that important anyway

Myspace Hecka Sucks

I hate myspace. Myspace is nothing but a whole bunch of insecurity plastered all over the World Wide Web. I mean... really. I don't even go there ever.

You Are Exactly Where You Are

You are above below you and below above you, this much is true, but who can be sure you are beside beside you?
It's deeper than you think, I assure ewe.

Hurricane Katrina Calls Us Into Action

I seem to have missed something in the news.

About a week ago I heard some passing comment, like “I think there is a hurricane headed toward Florida, or something.” A hurricane in Florida is nothing new; it is unfortunate, but nothing new. For a journalism major, I don’t read the newspaper a lot. And while Google news is my homepage, I usually go straight to my e-mail before the page finishes loading, so I somehow missed Hurricane Katrina entirely.

That is until I read the front page of the Union-Tribune last Thursday. “Crisis deepens in the Gulf,” “Looters run wild as rule of law fails,” “Thousands feared dead as New Orleans is to be abandoned”: it was a lot to take in on one page.

In the following days I devoured the front page articles. A picture in Friday’s paper showed three children standing in eight inches of dirty water as they waited to board a Greyhound bus headed for Houston. Something about the barrel of an assult rifle framing the shot burned the image into my mind. Armed guards are the last thing I thought rescue crews would need, but apparently some members of society saw this as a good time to steal guns and start shooting people.

The stories and images draw me into philosophical, social, and political ranting. But then I am reminded, this isn’t a life lesson; this is people hurting. Hurricane Katrina is not a philosophical question, or a political platform, not yet. Hurricane Katrina isn’t a historic event, it just happened, and people are still dying as a result. People are still trapped, still hurt, still hungry. People are still heartbroken, wondering if there is a reason to keep living.

Now is not a time to sit around reflecting on the grand questions of the human condition. Now is a time to act. But what can I do? I want to be there, be amongst the hurting. I want to help. Can my sympathy comfort a 12-year-old girl who has just lost her home, not just her house, but her home—her yard, her school, her best friend’s front porch, her cat, the cereal section with the toys at the end? Can I tell her that there is more to life than things? Is now a good time to tell her that Jesus died for her sins? Maybe I should have done that a week ago.

So what can we do?

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8.

We can start caring. We can let ourselves be affected. Read the paper and watch the news and realize that there is more happening here than rising gas prices. Find out what you can do, and do it.

Most of all, pray. Pray hard, pray sincerely, and pray a lot.

Pouring Out My Heart

Some say poetry isn't my "strong point."
I reply, "Oh yeah, well, you are!"
And then I throw rocks at them,
Or pieces of food, whatever's handy.

TGIS

NOT my favorite restaurant. Typing of which, last night/this morning I went to Denny's restaurant of the same name and thought to myself that I myself would like to get myself a milk "shake" of the chocolate flavor variety. However, my mind went on to myself, would not peanut butter (better) make your (my) "shake" oh so much better (butter)? Asked I therefore not of myself but to the mistress in waiting "Do you "guys" have peanut butter?"

"No," replied her reply.

And presently I ran to yon Vons and purchased about 35 servings per container. Upon returning, there finding a chocolate treat in waiting from the maiden of the same, mixed I some of said butter therewithin. Did I then partook.

And it was good.

Just Breath

That is from a song. I remember it from a commercial about cameras that take polaroid sticker pictures of guys you like, and they make you giggle in that special "commercial girl giggle" sort of way, kind of like those commercials where (in which) girls are just cracking up about how many blackheads they just suctioned out of their nose pores. I think a better title for this blog would have been nose pores. Then again, if the title was nose pores then I would have to restrict my entry to the topic of nose pores, and who really wants to type or read a blog about nose pores? I know I do and probably will someday, but not this day. No, this day I fight! That was, ironically, a somewhat nasely line from a movie, which is sort of like a commercial, only in the movie it is guys who giggle, and they are named Merry and Pippin. I should have titled this blog giggle. That would have been funny. Not laugh-out-loud funny, but funny-on-the-inside funny, like when someone says "Do you remember when we had nap time in school? We should have that in college too," but no one goes any farther with the conversation so no one laughs out loud, but most of the people who heard the comment still think it was a funny little thing to say and they quietly appreciate what was said. I agree, that was pretty funny. Yeah, s/he is a funny person. You wouldn't guess it, but after you have been around her/him for awhile, you start to notice. I submit that this has taken you longer to read than it took me to write. I win infinity.

Speaking of Being Bored

Yes, indeed, that is what I am doing... in one form or another. No... just in one form. This will be my fourth blog contribution of the night, so I believe that I am officially bored out of my mind. If I was a genious I would probably have cut my ear off by now. if I was ingenious I would have found something to do. I am neither, er... neither, no... I think I got it right the first time. You say tomato, I say tomato... eh? I guess that song doesn't translate well into print. What we need is a pronounciation key, or some popcorn chicken. Mmmm... free-flow stream of conciousness writing... and poor punctuation, and alliteration... and grammar puns... yeah, as I was saying. I believe it was Homestar Runner who first posed the question: is there ice cream yet?

speaking of severely handicapped...

The boat docks in London have special entrances for the severely handicapped. Thank God there weren't any on our boat... that would have been messy.

This dog is a goof, I thought you should know. Also, I think this picture will match my blog. We shall see.

Where is Gary Larson When You Need Him?

I got my teeth cleaned a couple of days ago. I wouldn't want to do it every day, but I like going to the dentist from time to time, like, say... twice a year or so. What I don't like is going twice in one week. The second time you go is when you spend some quality time with the actual dentist... the guy with the DDS. I don't know what you have to do to become a dentist, but it must not be pleasant, because those guys are mean.

I had never had a cavity before in my life. I was one of "those kids," if you will. I used to chew on aluminum foil just because I could, but no more. Now I chew things very softly because my jaw still aches from being held wide open for an ungodly amount of time. (An ungodly amount of time is approximately 45 minutes.)

In case you have never had a cavity filled, I would like to relay the process to you.

The dentist started by shining a bright light in my eyes and then politely laughing as I winced in pain. Unfortunately for him, he needed that light to see in my mouth, so it wasn't in my eyes for long. He oriented himself with the inside of my mouth (where I keep my cavities) and then, when I wasn't looking, put a very large needle inside. I never saw the true size of the needle, but I was uncomfortable with the fact that I could see his entire hand in full focus, yet somehow I could still feel something piercing my gums.

I really have nothing against getting stuck with a needle when it is filled with Novocain. I know that it is always better than the alternative. Pain receptors have no business working during an operation, so if it takes a needle to make them take a vacation, so be it, but I was starting to feel uncomfortable as the dentist continued to push the needle down the length of my gums. Was I supposed to say "when"? The needle was approaching my tonsils and I was about to say something, or gurgle or something, when he decided he needed more Novocain. Now I was getting concerned. By the time he was done I thought I would need some Novocain to take away the pain from the Novocain.

The dentist thought this would be a good time to leave me alone so I could think about what I had done. As I sat looking at my truck outside the window, I marveled at the fact that I had willingly come here. I was actually paying for this experience. My right cheek started feeling like I had been punched in the face but wasn't feeling the pain yet. My tongue felt like it had slept on its arm wrong. I began to worry that I wouldn't be able to talk when the dentist came back, that I wouldn't be able to scream.

"Testing, testing, one two," I whispered. "Red rover, penguin, octopus. Lenny, Lucy, Larry. Yellow, watermelon. One two." I flicked my cheek and made a water drop sound. Good, I could still talk. But my mouth was getting worse. I didn't hear the dentist come back in because I was too busy not drooling.

"How does you mouth feel?"

"Okay." So far so good, but I had something important to say. "My right cheek feewls (crap, I was deteriorating) pw... pretty numb, but my left side feewls nowmle stiwl."

"That's alright," he explained. "I didn't give you any Novocain on the left side because that cavity is very small."

The thought entered my mind that this man may have been trained during wartime, when Novocain was rationed out by the government. Or maybe he was trying to save a few bucks wherever he could. Either way I was not pleased with his assessment, but saying the word "assessment" was out of the question at this point. Instead I gurgled and hoped for the best. I don't think he noticed.

I knew things were about to get serious when the dental assistant started putting on riot gear. She has pretty eyes, I thought, maybe she will protect me. Instead she put a vacuum cleaner attachment in my mouth. The dentist had something in his hand that looked like a tooth polisher; only instead of happy little bristles on the end it had a little metal drill. To be fair it was probably a happy little drill, but I was not glad to see it.

As I listened to the drill eat away at my tooth, and smelled the burning fumes coming out of my mouth, I thought back to the large needle. I imagined that I saw it standing upon a hillock across a large grassy field. I dropped my luggage and ran toward it as it ran toward me. In a furry of laughter and tears I jumped into its arms and it spun me around, and nothing mattered in the whole world but it and me, and me and it.

But there was still cavity number two, the one that had never felt the warm embrace of my friend the needle. After testing just how many metal objects he could fit in my mouth, and once his assistant was through blow drying my molar, the dentist started on the second cavity.

He started by spraying it with cold air. That felt very good, kind of like biting into an ice cream bar dipped in CO2. I gripped the chair like my mother had when I was making my grand entrance into the land where you chew your own food. I think there is some symbolism there. After that he played a little game that is kind of like Operation, in which you take a metal object and see how close you can get it to the nerve without hitting it while you scrape away at enamel. Whenever you mess up, instead of the board making a loud buzzing sound, the patient dies a little while his soul screams curses into the netherworld.

I was thinking the worst was over when the dentist handed me a pair of protective glasses.

"We're just going to clean out your tooth with something like a little sand blaster," he said.

Sand blasters hurt cement. I was opposed to the idea but my mouth had a Dyson in it (it never looses suction) and I only know half of the alphabet in sign language... not enough to sign "Hell No!"

It actually wasn't too bad once he got started, and when it was all said and done I was feeling pretty good about myself. The dental assistant kindly showed me to the door, where everyone was smiling because they take your money and never sit in that chair. Going home was kind of surreal. I felt like I should have a designated driver. As I mentioned earlier, my jaw was feeling like I had got out of hand with my boa constrictor impression again, but other than that I was alright.

Everything was alright, that is, until I tried eating lunch. But that is a story for another time.

Quest for the Overpriced Album - adapted from a two-part email serial begun May 7

The following is the complete and unabridged version of the gripping tale of a little boy in London on a quest to buy the new Coldplay album so he will have it for the plane ride home.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who came from a land where stores typically closed between the hours of nine p.m. and midnight. However, a series of strange events had brought him to London, a grand city that the residents enjoyed so much they closed up shop at five p.m. and wandered around making the pigeons uncomfortable.

The boy had been waiting for the day that Coldplay would release their new album for many weeks. “Too bad I am in London though,” he thought, “Even if I did have my CD player with me, I would not want to pay $28 dollars for a CD.” For he knew that the exchange rate was not conducive to making purchases that could just as easily be made at home.

But then something amazing happened. A little girl who the little boy had recently met found out that he really liked music, and she offered to help. “You can borrow my CD player if you like; I haven’t even been using it the whole trip.”

The little boy thought about this, and, after realizing that he would very shortly be riding on one plane or another for about 14 hours, he decided that the purchase could be justified. However, he was still in the land of the five p.m. closing time, and it was now seven p.m.

Then the boy heard an amazing story, the legend of the music store that was open until midnight. No one knew the name of the place—some said it could never be found—but the little boy was determined. He went to a store and bought a magazine about local attractions, and then scanned every page until he read of a place called New Oxford Street, home of the Virgin Records Mega Store and the HMV.

“One of these must be it,” the boy resolved. And so he set out, just he and his dog, only without his dog, and all by himself.

If destiny really had any power, the boy felt certain that he would end the night listening to the glorious sounds of fair trade on a borrowed CD player.

Three stops north on the Northern line took the little boy to New Oxford Street. From there he set out into the west to liberate Coldplay from the bonds of plastic wrap and UPC. For three hundred leagues he could see nothing in the pitch darkness, neither before him nor behind him, and all was as pitch as the souls of the eastern hoards that roam the hills in search of innocent blood to satisfy the cries of the demons that drive them… to search for innocent blood.

Then, off in the distance, where the first rays of the rising sun make ready the cool damp earth for the coming celebration of light, he saw a yellow sign displaying red letters in a handwritten script. “The legend must be true,” he thought, “for here before me stands the Virgin Records Mega Store.”

Like the ancient rock of Stonehenge, Virgin Records stood tall and proud in a light that seemed to come from within its stone walls. Its purpose on Earth remained as mysterious as its origin, but no one could question that this place was a holy place.

Holy, but closed. And in the window a sign read, “Open at midnight for the release of X&Y, the new album by Coldplay.” Open at midnight, not until. The little boy wasted no time in figuring out what this meant. Surely the legend had spoken of the previous midnight, the hour in which the stars and moon declared this was the day of the X&Y, but that time had come and gone. Dejected, but not defeated, the boy pressed on.

He continued his westerly course in search of the HMV, the “top dog for music, DVD’s and games,” with a glimmer of hope in his heart. It seemed to the boy that the story that began his journey had reached his ears one day too late, but he could not turn back now, for signs on both sides of the road heralded the presence of a nearby HMV. If any truth could be drawn from the signs then it was indeed the largest retailer of CD’s and DVD’s in the country.

Presently the little boy came upon the HMV. From a distance he saw that the gate over the main entrance was closed, and his heart sank, but then, he saw a light. A cloaked figure stole out of the doorway and paused for a moment in the street. The pale orange glow from a cigarette steadied in his left hand illuminated deep pits and jagged scars behind his jacket's raised collar. The man looked at the little boy with a pair of lifeless eyes whose light had been rotted out from countless years in putrid darkness.

The heroes of yore would have thought no less of the boy if he had ended the quest right then, but his love for Coldplay steadied his heart and made firm his resolve. “Hello,” came the first word to break the still of the chill night air. “Is the store still open?”

The man in the doorway moved imperceptibly at the little boy’s words, or perhaps he stayed true to his position and it was the very pillars of the universe that moved around him. Either way the words had some unnatural effect, for it seemed to the boy that when the man looked down at him, he was truly seen. The man looked past the boy's body and into his hopes, and fears, and dreams, and regrets, and in a moment the boy was as known to this man as he was to his Maker. And so his words came as the answer not just to the boy’s question, but to his entire existence. “No, it isn’t,” he said.

The anguish that the little boy felt was of such immensity that few who know it survive to tell, and still fewer would dare burden their fellow man with its accurate description. Juliet’s sorrow upon awakening in the cold, lifeless arms of her Romeo was unblemished gaiety at the throne of the Almighty compared to the little boy’s affliction.

It seemed to the boy that falling to the ground would take too much effort, so there he stood. To return would only mean waking up the next day in his Coldplaylessness. To press on would be to fight a battle that had already been lost. Hope had become a childhood fantasy turned into a bad memory.

It is in times like these that the unexpected is called a miracle. Out of no will of his own the little boy raised his head and looked farther into the west. There, on the edge of the horizon, shone the bright white sign of a Borders Books, and below it, a wide open door and customers within. What force moved the boy's legs he did not know, for many miles lay between he and the bookstore, but the earth seemed to rush under his feet like a mighty torrent, and he had no sooner finished reading the sign then he found himself entering the store. There is was, Coldplay X&Y, "Their best yet," rows upon rows of a printer test-like block of colors on a solid night sky blue.

The little boy stepped up to the counter and made his purchase, but he never left that store. No, the figure that walked through the exit may have been wearing the same gray t-shirt with the same blackcurrant stain on the front, and the same black jacket from the same Sports Chalet, but anyone watching that night would not have seen a boy walk through that door and step into the night. What came out of the store that night was a man.

This is the tale of the one who risked life and limb for X&Y. May all who read it find comfort in the knowledge that men of such courage do exist in this world.

This is the last place I would ever sit on a wood chipper. No wonder this guy's parents make him wear reflective clothing and a helmet.

I am Ahab. A lot of people are surprised that I spent 22 days in Britain as the only guy with 14 girls and I didn't come back married. The truth is that I did get married, but a white whale ate the bonnie lass.

The pelicans in Greenwich do not have any privacy protection laws. I didn't actually see the pelican, but I hope it is okay.

Shut up all of you

That is all really, can't you see it is summer? I want high speed internet back!