A Flaw in the System

If you woke up at 3 a.m. and someone had set your alarm clock to military time, how would you ever know?

What I Learned Today

Nothing good can come from playing with your mustache and a binder clip.

Regardings Your Job Offer

Editor's Note: The following conversation is presented in its entirety. The names have not been changed because neither/none of them are the actual names of the parties involved, except maybe Mick D William/Williams/Williamson... one of those, anyway. The Hotmail alias "BobbyGeneric88" is indeed a reference to the character of the same name from the 90s cartoon "Bobby's World" and is used without permission. Should FOX and/or Howie Mandel seek legal recourse, we at This Guy ask that they start with the jerks who took "BobbyGeneric" and all the BobbyGenerics numbered one through 22.

Part 1: sacramento craigslist > media jobs
Job Offer/Stress Free Apply Now
Reply to: job-752091721@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-12, 8:38AM PDT

Job Offer/Stress Free Apply With Resume.

Compensation: 400
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
You may contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 752091721


Part 2: Stress Free Application
From: Bobby Generic (bobbygeneric88@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sat 7/12/08 11:17 AM
To: job-752091721@craigslist.org

Hi,

I saw your job offer on craigslist and it sounded really interesting. You will find that I am already more than qualified for the described position and would be a great asset to your company/household/workplace/whatever it is you're looking for. I do however, have a question about compensation. What exactly would I be receiving 400 of, and how often?

Thanks,

Your Favorite Applicant

Resume

Objective: to get a stress free job

Education: a college one time

Major coursework: 135

Employment History: some jobs

Job Related Skills: aplenty

Other Interests: stress free recreation, stress free volunteer work

References: people I know (they’re great)


Part 3: Regardings Your Job offer as an Executive Trustee

From: Mick Williamson (m.williamjobtile2@netscape.com) [You may not know this sender. Mark as safe|Mark as unsafe]
Sent: Sat 7/12/08 10:15 PM
Reply-to: mick.williamscarpetsuk@hotmail.com
To: m.williamcarpetsuk@inc.net

Hi,

Thanks very much for the response. I must say it’s highly appreciated.
The job does not entail much. All you would be doing is receiving these payments in form of Money Orders/Check or Bank Wire Transfers, which would be coming from clients of mine in the United States via courier e.g. FedEx or UPS.

So when you get these Funds all you have to do is have them cashed and deduct your share (10%) and wire the rest down to me here in UK or anywhere our correspondent is in the world via (Western Union Money Transfer) or (Money Gram Money Transfer).

I would also need some proof of Identity. So I have attached an Employment form for you to fill and send back to me via email.

Vinyl Carpets vary in prices but most purchases range from about $3000 and above. Well you would be receiving funds ranging from over $3000 and you are meant to take out 10% from the funds you received and then forward the remaining balance as instructed via Wire Transfer. You are likely to be receiving these funds every week and possibly twice a week, so you are meant to take 10% out of every Transaction processed.

With this offer, you'll be earning at least $300 a week.

NOTICE: This is strictly a legal offer and your Private personal information is not needed e.g. Social Security # or anything that can be of adverse effect to your personal security and privacy.

APPLICANT INFORMATION NEEDED FOR EMPLOYMENT CONFIRMATION

FIRST NAME…………………………

LAST NAME………………………………

HOME ADDRESS (* NO P.O. BOXES*)
…………………………………………………………

CITY……………………………………..

STATE…………………………………..

ZIP CODE………………………………..

COUNTRY……………………………...

PHONE NUMBER (S) CELL ……………………………………

HOME ………………………………

WORK.........................................

GENDER……………………………..

MARITAL STATUS (OPTIONAL)……………………………

AGE (OPTIONAL)…………………………………..

NATIONALITY (OPTIONAL)…………………………………..

PRESENT PLACE OF WORK…………………………………………………………

ATTESTATION
According to how you have been briefed earlier. You are required to receive payment on behalf of the above-mentioned firm. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order & forward the balance payment via Money gram or Western Union to any of the company’s regional warehouses that will be given to you later.

You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job. This will enable us stop any payments coming your way and it would also reduce conflicts.

You will not be held liable for any issues arising from shipping errors you will also not be accountable for funds not collected and all order implementation errors. My instruction will be followed to provide the best possible service for both parties and the Client in Question

In agreement to this kindly append signature below.

………………………………………

As soon as the form is signed and returned to us you will receive an email from us accepting or declining your application within 24 hours. Note in the event that your application is turned down it will not be as a result of any of the optional data supplied those are just to enable us know you (our employee) better.

Thanks.

M D Williamson Carpets Ltd,
12B Norwich Road,
Fakenham, Norfolk,
NR21 8AX
Email: mick.williamscarpetsuk@hotmail.com
VAT Registration No: 787 4632 80

MD Williamson tm 2008

Dude

This chick totally checked me out at Safeway tonight.

This Phrase Needs to Go

Seriously, who avoids the plague?

Breakfast Sausage

Most people, and by most people I mean all people, either agree that breakfast sausage is not a tasty meat or are wrong in their opinion about breakfast sausage (And yes, opinions can be wrong [And yes, your opinion that my opinion that opinions can be wrong is wrong ((should you have such an opinion)) not only supports that my opinion is, if not right, at least valid, but certainly invalidates your own.] including opinions of personal taste, if such things even exist. [And no, as I will soon explain, I don't think they do; and yes, you can start a sentence with and; and no, you shouldn't do it very often, and, yes, that's the same as saying "and yes, you shouldn't do it very often" as long as it answers your question]). There are no exceptions to this rule. None. Not even my roommate, who eats breakfast sausage almost every day and who just yesterday used breakfast sausage as the primary, if not the sole, meat component of a meat loaf unbeknownst to me and to my eternal detriment. And no, that wasn't a complete sentence.

What foul, Hellborn, most assuredly twisted and rheumatoid hand first penned such a recipe I know not, yet I count such ignorance a blessing most sweet. Should I ask my roommate, he would probably answer "my mother," and might take issue with some or all of the adjectives in the previous sentence, but I cannot take them back, for I have tasted the meat loaf, and the loaf has spoken. "Well, I like it," he might say in defense of his disgusting meat loaf, but that's not good enough. Because of his choices, stemming no doubt from his so-called "personal" opinions,  I was encouraged to have some of the meat loaf for myself today. I've since brushed my teeth and still I taste it.

This horrible, horrible taste of breakfast sausage.

Imagine that a wild boar has come to the end of his life and now wanders through the jungle. Once strong and proud, he is now weak from years of struggle and a lingering disease. His eyes are glazed and see nothing until a harsh light awakens them to their purpose. He sees that he is no longer in the jungle but now stands in a clearing. The boar's first thought is to run back into the jungle, but he is too tired to run, too tired to even turn around.

He scans the clearing for danger but finds nothing but an open box of romaine lettuce. He approaches the box and sniffs a leaf. Unharmed, he takes a bite, then a second. Instinct shoots powerful electrical messages to every part of his body telling him to eat—eat until the food is gone. Soon his powerful jaws tear at lettuce and box indiscriminately. The boar slips into a blind frenzy and does not notice that beyond the top layer of fresh romaine the lettuce is wet and rotten and only barely covers a giant block of putrid beef fat. He gorges on the contents of the box. His stomach becomes distended with rotten lettuce and fat, then bursts, and the boar, too maddened by his frenzy to feel any pain, lies down on the unfinished pile of putrid fat and dies.

Now there appears a man who has come to check on his trap. Indeed he has caught and killed a mighty beast of the jungle. He knows that a catch this size will have to be left out to stew in the sun for at least a week before it is ready to grind, but soon he will have a bounty of breakfast sausage to sell in the market. This summer, his family will have all that it needs.

This is more that just an unpleasant and pointless tangent, it is probably a true story. If nothing else, I think it accurately describes the taste I'm dealing with right now, still.

A Song Called Gift Cinnamon Bun

I actually started this song a month ago but never finished it. Today I decided it was done. It's called Gift Cinnamon Bun. it's about a gift cinnamon bun.

Gift cinnamon bun

(Whoa cinnamon bun)

What gives, cinnamon bun?

(Dry cinnamon bun)

You're a bad cinnamon bun

(Yeah cinnamon bun)

But you're a gift cinnamon bun

(Thanks man I owe you one)

This Guy is Always Looking on the Bright Side

The best thing about working at a job where I get a lot of tips is that now, if I ever get mugged, I stand to really make someone's day.

Agian

Done and done.