Thursday, January 15, 2009

May I Just Say, "Yub Yub?"

The Jedi have (has?) returned. Ewoks are dancing. We have succeeded. All four of us, except for Kevin, because Kevin fell asleep. Kevin claims he did not fall asleep, but we all know that he fall asleep for a little bit because he asked "wait, I distinctly remember Luke getting in a shuttle and leaving the Death Star, but, did they edit that out?" But they didn't edit that out, because all the rest of us saw it, because the rest of us were awake for that part.

"And it's only 10:30." - Garrett

Kevin maintains that he did not fall asleep. But he fell asleep. Even if he didn't fall asleep, right now it's really funny to see how angry he's getting at the idea that I would lie about such a thing on my blog. But he shouldn't be angry because he actually did fall asleep for a little bit.

My Brain is Tired and I Don't Want to Anymore

Warwick Davis played Wicket in this movie. Wicket is the little Ewok. The cuddly one with the spear. Davis was also Willow in Willow. Or maybe the baby was Willow in Willow. I think there was a baby in that movie, and Wicket had to protect it. I'm online right now so I could easily double check, but instead I'll just keep, you know, doing this.

I want to say something right now and I need you to listen, okay? I need you to listen.

Star Wars. Star Wars man. It's great but, it's a movie, you know? I mean, it's just a movie. Movies are great, but... Do you know what I'm saying? Are you listening to me? No, stop, look... look at me man. Star Wars, man. They just, they have all these people, these people and they got them all together and they paid them and they had costumes and a script and copies of the script and copies of the copies and they were using, probably highlighters and stuff on them and making them up, and you know? I mean... that's not life. You can't, can't highlight, what you're going to say and like, add stuff in in post-production. You don't get action figures. There aren't action figures of going to the bank or, you know, vacuuming or for when you mess up or have a good idea or whatever. You don't get to rerelease and have deals with Taco Bell. George Lucas isn't going to be like "yeah, yeah I like that, role with that, we'll do that" and it doesn't matter what "that" is. It could be anything. Your life, or people or building a... house or a sandwich. In life you can't be like, "okay hang on, I'm making this sandwich." That's, how can people... who do people, I mean what do they even, where are we even going?

And you can't fight it. You can't fight it. What are you going to do? There's all these lasers flying everywhere and everything is blowing up. And you're throwing rocks at them and they're all rolling around on trees. Where'd that get us? We're no better. We're no better than the enemy.

Yeah, the Ewoks are all excited because they blew up an AT-ST, but what about the people... what about the people in that. I mean, that could have been me. That could have been you. That could have been both of us.

Return of the Jedi, the Sarlacc Pit

I'm missing The Office.

The Twelfth Hour

We're about to watch Star Wars Episode VI: The Empire Strikes Back. We just took a break and had frozen yogurt. We're arguing about how big the second Death Star is. We just took a break and had frozen yogurt. Bret is commenting that the alarm in the Death Star landing bay sounds like a Dewback lizard being squeezed. We just took a break and had frozen yogurt. We just took a break and had frozen yogurt.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Hour 11

"No! that's not true. That's impossible! ... No... no..." - Luke Skywalker

Six hours ago we were laughing uproariously at one other's jokes. Now we're all a bit on edge and easily agitated, and C-3PO keeps pissing us off. Where once there was laughing, now we're just saying stuff like "what are you talking about?" and "I'm pretty sure we've established that everything hovers in this universe."

DIRECTV's Log Line for Star Wars Episode IV

"Robots and other allies help a youth and a space jokey rescue a rebel princess and battle dark forces bent on intergalactic rule."

"I would rent that." - Brea

For Those Interested in Further Reading

Funny thing... I was searching for good B-Wing photos on Google Images when I happened upon Action Figure of the Day. They post photos of and info about a classic Star Wars action figure every day, and they've been doing it since November 2007.

Hour Nine

Something walked into the apartment toward the end of Episode IV, something that bore remarkable resemblance to a human, only somehow different looking. What is that, Leia? I thought. Oh yeah, one of those.

Hour Eight: Delirium Sets In

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, still.

We just finished laughing for five minutes about what it would have been like if Yoda were hiding inside R2-D2. It might have gone on longer if Garret hadn't pointed out that we'd laughed for five minutes about what it would have been like if Yoda were hiding inside R2-D2.

Question of the day: "Is it possible to feel accomplishment and shame at the same time?" - Kevin

Bret, on the Millennium Falcon Getting Caught in a Tractor Beam

"Too bad they don't have phase modulation. The Enterprise would never get caught in something like that."

Star Wars vs. Current Events

Watching Episode IV: A New Hope. Almost halfway done with my Fat Tire. If I pretend to be chewing it, rather than drinking it, it's less gross.

When Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith came out, I thought it was a commentary on the War on Terror. Who could hear Anakin's words to Obi Wan, "if you're not for me, then you're against me," and not think of President Bush when he said to the world... "if you're not for me, then you're against me," I think.

But watching all the movies in a row is giving me a new perspective. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... the greedy Galactic Trade Federation got itself entrenched in politics for economic gain. Then we have a few wars that seem to be going on with no clear causes or goals other than showing off how far special effects have come since Who Framed Roger Rabbit (read: military-industrial complex). Then we have Episode IV. Set some 16 years later, the ships are slower, the weapons are less effective, touch screen and hologram technologies have been predominantly replaced with simple flashing buttons and levers... the signs of a galaxy-wide recession are clear. Bravo, Lucas, bravo. If only we had listened.

Who Works on a Thursday?

Hour 5, Episode III: Darth Sidious is droning on about something to Anakin. Something about midichlorians.

I just found out that one of our number, who has been on his computer since 9, is actually clocked in at work right now. He's working remotely. At first I was upset.

Attack of the Clones

Today I am having my first beer. It's a Fat Tire, and I'm told it's good, but I think mine is actually some kind of antiseptic or disinfectant. My hope was that it would be enough to help me forget, or at least enjoy, Attack of the Clones. Turns out 5.2 percent is not enough.

"I always wanted the worst movie I ever worked on to be called 'Attack of the Clones.'" - probably some guy responsible for naming Attack of the Clones

"We decided to call it 'Attack of the Clones' because there are clones in it. Yeah, the 'attack' doesn't happen until the end of the third film, but... Shoot. Yeah I'm not sure what we were thinking." - probably some idiot

Kevin to Bret, After Bret Turned Off the Sound While I Showed Everyone a YouTube Video

K: "Did you pause it?"

B: "No."

K: "Good."

Bathroom Breaks, a Reflection from a Former Star Wars Fan Club Member

We have finished The Phantom Menace and are now watching The Clone Wars.

"So this is when you're invited back to the restaurant and everyone's starting to feel indigestion." - Garret

Fun fact brought to you by Yahoo! Answers: The average adult bladder can hold 500 ml. before "you absolutely have to pee like a racehorse."

When Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace came out in 1999, I was excited because Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace hadn't come out yet, and therefore I hadn't seen it yet, and therefore I was excited. I bought my ticket days in advance, left school early to wait in line and guarantee a good seat at the midnight showing, and gladly paid eight dollars for my 64-oz. commemorative cup. I finished my 64 ounces of Root Beer before the movie started, and I noticed that I needed to pee right about the time Jar Jar decided to do a triple flip into shallow water (right about the time I was getting worried about Jar Jar).

Fun fact brought to you by Sixty-four fluid ounces is 1,892,705.92 milliliters.

I usually watch the credits after movies, but as soon as the closing music started I jumped over the railing behind the handicapped section, ran to the bathroom and peed for about 3 minutes.

The next day I saw the movie again (in a state of denial that lasted about a year), bought another commemorative cup, and did the exact same thing.

Today I look forward to bathroom breaks as a legitimate excuse to leave the room and shut the door.

"We Don't Have Time for This, Captain"

"Hey mom, did I tell you about my exciting Thursday plans?"

"No, do you have a job interview?"

"Nope, even better. I'm attending an all-day Star Wars marathon."

"What!? Drew! I raised you for more than Star Wars!"

A sampling of other reactions:

Jon: Cool, um... I'm at work so I've got to get going.

Johnny: Hey, Drew, this is Johnny, uh... I just want to let you know I am 100 percent in support of you and look forward to reading your blog and pinpointing the exact moment where you start to hate yourself. I'm guessing about halfway through movie three.

Lindsay: I think you need to rethink your definition of "exciting."

Bret and Kevin at 9:44, While Anakin is Hitting on Padme

B: "Does anyone want a beer?"

K: "It's 9:45."

B: "All right, if nobody else wants one..."

Episode I is Getting Worse

Anakin to Padme: "Are you an angel?"
Padme: "A-what?"
Garret to me: "Have you seen Jizzed in My Pants?"

Concerning Jar Jar, by Garret and Kevin

G: "They've been trying to redeem Jar Jar in the Clone Wars, but he's still Jar Jar. It's like you went to a restaurant, and after you ate, you had explosive diarrhea, and you were vomiting uncontrollably, like... you were vomiting more than you had eaten..."

K: "Like your stomach had traveled into the future and consumed food you hadn't even eaten yet."

G: "Exactly. And then the restaurant invited you back, and they were all, 'don't worry, the food is the same, but that won't happen again.'"

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

We're less than 10 minutes into the first film and I already want to leave.

We should be farther along by now but some of us were held up in traffic from all the people who go to work in the morning. Admittedly there's a lot of cool lightsabery in the first 10 minutes, but I still feel like I should have been taking notes for an economics quiz.

Monday, January 12, 2009

2009: It's Just a Number or, Mark Your New Calendars

Here we are almost more than 12 days into 2009 and someone thought it was plausible that I would have wanted to acknowledge that fact with a new blog post just after noon this afternoon. But the jokes on him/her (let's face it, probably him or her), because I haven't even thought about wanting to blog since more or less four, five, or three posts ago, present post excluded.

In light of that person's comment/impersonation on my final post of 2008, I think I/he/she owe(s) him/her/you/me an explanation. I'll go first. For the past two weeks I've been nerding out on Morrowind, the very game I ridiculed in two out of three of my last three posts. While writing a faux Christmas letter, I foolishly allowed myself to enter the mindset of a Morrowind addict without establishing an exit strategy or telling anyone what I was doing in case something went wrong. The result was a lot like in The Lost Weekend, only for twice as many weekends and without the drunken hallucinations or (go figure) the love story, and just with me playing Morrowind for nigh on a fortnight, completely sober but still running from my potential (so, yeah, that was a good example).

To celebrate the end of my weeks-long nerd binge, and to live up to my position on some of your bookmarks bars, I have decided to attend a Star Wars Eps. I-VI marathon this Thursday and blog about it as it is happening. (That "as it is happening" part is in italics within italics, which is why it doesn't appear to be italicized. To read that sentence properly, please get more excited as you go.)

That's right kids, I'm going to kick off my video gaming recovery with an irony-laden 12-hour Star Wars blogathon. This Thursday. Unless I have work. Get ready to giggle.