Monday, November 29, 2010

Adulthood Survival Guide: Dust In The Nick Of Time

You know that stack of magazines in between your dresser and bookshelf? What magazines? Well maybe if you dusted more often you'd remember. But wait, dust only settles on things you don't use, right? So what's the point of picking something up only to, in the grand scheme of things, set it right back down again?

Some people feel pressured to dust for hygienic reasons, but those people aren't taking into account the fact that dust is made up almost entirely of dead skin. If hygiene is your concern, take the direct approach: shower once daily. That way, whatever sloughs off will probably be cleaner than what it lands on anyway. You'll be, in effect, cleaning you're whole house by diffusion.

Still set on dusting? Science hasn't changed your mind? How about economics—does that do it for ya, Jack? If time is money, then why dust when you can move? After all, moving once a year is the only sure-fire way to lock in those move-in specials, and anyone can go a year between dustings. Maybe you don't care for the flat gray luster on top of the filing cabinet in your closet, or maybe you just want to cut down on the weight before lugging that old thing down the stairs. Go ahead, brush that dust onto the floor. Don't worry, it'll get there eventually. Even if you don't plan on vacuuming, you likely have a legal obligation to have the carpets professionally cleaned if you want your full deposit back. So what's that haze in the air? That's a check in the mail.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Left On The Kitchen Counter In A Sealed Enveloped Marked Simply, "Microwave"

Dear Microwave,

I've gone out for the night and I'm not coming back. I know it's partly my fault that we haven't been talking. Maybe it's because I'm trying to eat healthier and I just can't see you ever being interested in that. I'm sorry, but I can't. I would have called but I know you won't answer your phone. Of all the appliances to have a tumor phobia... Microwave I'm starting to miss you already. This probably won't make things any easier for you, but I want you to know this isn't easy for me, either.

You asked me what it is that I want and I wish I knew. I think I just want to know why everything has to be so difficult with you. With my phone, I don't even have to think about it. And my computer is the same way. I went out to get lunch today and it was like the whole world was business as usual. Like it was no big deal. But on a day like today when I'm at home, with you, I can't even be sure what time it is. You make me feel like a child. I literally have to ignore you just so I can make some toast or get a vitamin water without second guessing when I got up or if I'm going to be late picking Brea and Garret up from the airport.

It's obvious that you forgot daylight savings time ended today. I wasn't even going to tell you. I wanted to see how long it took for you to figure it out. Probably the better half of a year like last time. And I don't know why I bother because we both know you're just going to wait around for someone to come along and fix you anyway, and you won't make it easy. You'll let someone change your cook time or your kitchen timer a hundred times a day like it's no big deal, but when it comes to adjusting your one setting that counts up, it's like trial and error with you every time.

What I'm trying to say is that the times have changed, and you may have everyone else fooled into thinking you're ahead, but I know you're stuck in the past. I hope you change someday, I really do, but I can't be a part of your start/stop routine anymore. Goodbye, Microwave, and good luck.