Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"Where Even Our Food is Fried"

Yesterday I walked into a KFC/A&W, a combination of, you guessed it, KFC and A&W. The idea for the merger came a few years ago when the last A&W went out of business in a mall food court somewhere and they still had hot dogs and mustard packets left over.

"What can I get for you, boss?" says the guy behind the counter.

After taking a few minutes to look over the menu (and a few seconds to laugh about having been called "boss"), I say, "I'll have a hot dog, a small thing of potato wedges, and a root beer float."

"Do you want me to make it a combo?"

"Um... you can do that?"


(Well, that explains the offer.) "Sure, whatever's easiest."

"All right, so you want a hot dog, potato wedges, and what to drink?"

"A root beer float."

I watch my order come up one selection at a time.


"Um, I actually wanted a root beer float."


"I ordered a root beer float, not an Aquafina."

"Oh, don't worry about it, it's the same thing."


"They cost the same, but we like to drink the Aquafina's when we're working, so this helps balance everything out when we do the inventory."

"Oh, working the system..." (a wording choice that implies, "you could get fired for this").

"Yeah, it helps work out the system." (a wording choice that implies, "it's technical, but you seem to understand").

"All right."

"I can change it if you want."

"No, don't worry about it."

"Okay," he says," what's your name for the order?"

I almost say "the only customer in here," but settle on "Drew."

"Drew? Okay Drew, here's your cup and I'll call you when the rest of your order's ready."

He walks away and I'm left looking at the cup.

"..." (That's me looking at the cup.)

"Did you need something else, boss?"

"Um... actually I wanted a root beer float."

"A root beer float? Oh, that'll be a dollar extra."

Monday, April 07, 2008

Something that Happened in March, a Four-Part Series Concluded in Five Parts, with an Editor's Note and a Title, which Itself will Conclude Presently

Editor's Note: The following conversation is presented unabridged and unedited with the exception of the contact information of both parties, in accordance with the arbitrary privacy policy of This Guy. We hope the fact that neither party managed to spell koi correctly any more than 17 percent of the time will not distract you from the heart of the conversation. We also hope you will notice that the owner of the pond was the first to misspell koi, and that I'm spelling koi correctly now, so I obviously know how to spell koi.

Part 1: sacramento craigslist > labor gigs
I need leaves and branches cleaned out my pond
Reply to: [email address removed]
Date: 2008-03-14, 3:44PM PDT

Must have own tools for the job, I have a koy pond that is 10 by 20 give or take a few, just moved in and need to have it cleaned out this weekend sometime. email me your bid and I'll contact the best bid. I have more work available as well but want to start with this job for now

Location: Auburn
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: best bid

PostingID: 606487099

Part 2: Subject: craigslist, cleaning koy pond
Sent:Fri 3/14/2008 11:10 PM


That sounds like something I would do for $40-$50. If that seems ridiculously high, maybe I'm just not picturing it correctly, but I'm picturing a lot of mud and algae. I'm probably willing to do the work for whatever you think is reasonable.

What tools do you think would be needed? A pool net and a small rake, plus some trash bags? Would I be able to wear shorts and wade in the pond. or is the process somehow more involved than that?

Anyway, if it's a job that's possible to do with the tools I have, I know I will do it well.

You can call me at home or on my cell. I live in Auburn too. I can do the work anytime Saturday or Sunday.

[contact information removed]

Part 3: Subject: Re: craigslist, cleaning koy pond
Sent: Sat 3/15/2008 12:13 PM
Attachments: koi pond.jpg(151KB)

about 10 x 20

Part 4: Subject: Re: Re: craigslist, cleaning koy pond
Sent Sat 3/15/2008 12:53 PM

Huh... that came across a little rude. Let me know if you want to communicate in complete sentences, and we can talk about your koy pond.

Part 5: Conclusion
response: none
condition of koi pond: unknown

Sunday, April 06, 2008

On-Again Off-Again

My car could use a check check engine light light.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Oh Yeah, March... How 'Bout That?

The thing about March was that... Well, you see, March is a really busy time of the year for me, what with Daylight Saving Time, St. Patrick's Day, Palm Sunday (and everything that went with that), Purim (on the first day of spring, no less [seriously... could've used a little calendar space to pencil in my Thursday appointments, Jews]), the new moon (pretty lackluster this month, to be honest)... shoot... what am I doing... okay, here's the deal, this is the truth now... Basically, what happened with March is, I fell in love. I fell in love with hating Malaise. Maybe not Malaise, exactly, but everything Malaise had to say, at the very least. My love was deep and my love was pure, like if you put "Ode on a Grecian Urn" through a Brita filter, or something... then, what would happen is, the poem wouldn't taste so much like metal, or... sorry for that. Probably you didn't need an example anyway.

(Here I pause for you to say "what in the?")

Let's start from the top. I feel as though I may have lost you. Easter was in March this year, we should probably start with that. A few days ago I was in Barnes & Noble (just one place) and the couple at the register was talking to the... registrar about how they didn't know why Easter was always moving around (or, that, rather than how [the whole point being that they didn't know how, ((or why, for that matter)) or else they wouldn't have been having the conversation ((unless, of course [[however unlikely]], the whole scene was a ruse))]), why, I don't know, but anyway I chimed in and told them (why, I do know) that Easter is always on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox (I didn't say vernal, though... it was an understood vernal) and that ended that. What I'm getting at is, that and other things happened in March, but I couldn't bring myself to share it and them with you and yours because I was so wrapped up in waiting for another post from Malaise that I'd forgotten (perhaps 've forgotten) how to blog. Part of what's ridiculous about all this is that Easter really only moves once a year, tops. And as cheesy as that may be, the fact remains that I'm brimming with this crap, but it's a good kind of crap, like how there are good bacteria, and if you could see them you'd be grossed out but without them you'd get sick all the time, only this blog is the other way around, sort of, and with commas instead of cilia... that kind of thing.

Okay, I think I said what I needed to say. So, I guess this is goodnight america (sic).