BIGS Sizzlin' Bacon Flavor Sunflower Seeds...

...taste like someone dumped a Styrofoam ice chest full of raw bacon off a New England pier where it bobbed in an eddy of excrement and decayed mobsters for several days before getting caught in the Gulf Stream and floated across the Atlantic for weeks, all the while being picked at and shat upon by malnourished seagulls and sneezed on by whale blowholes, before it was brought ashore by a deranged grey seal of the Farne Islands who took it as a mate for three frenzied days and nights until it was finally recovered by the good people of Thanasi Foods LLC of Boulder, Colorado, who, against the weakened seal's furious protests, disposed of the now putrid bacon and ground up the ice chest into a seasoning for the only flavor of sunflower seeds that has actually, in the course of one handful, caused me to think that I didn't like sunflower seeds at all anymore.

There's A New Gun In Town

I'm 26. Niah is three.

"Hey Niah, do you ever just stare at the windmills and contemplate your existence?"

I'm in the front passenger seat, Niah is in her car seat, and I don't look back for her response.

"Um... no. I put down the window."

I hear the whir of the rear window. The growing rush of wind let's me down slowly. You win, Niah—this time.