Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I Break for the Holidays or, Herman Melville is Overrated

In honor of just beating solitaire twice in a row, I have decided to update my readers on my Christmas Break happenings thus far.

Two days ago I went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping, as we all do to commemorate when the Magi stopped outside of Bethlehem and bought gold, frankincense and myrrh during the big sales—Balthazar is reported to have received a free box of truffles with his $50 or more purchase, a $10 value, but he held out on Jesus because his dyslexic mother had taught him that chocolate was bad for gods—but I ended up just buying a bunch of stuff for myself, to commemorate when the shepherds stopped on their way to Bethlehem and bought Steve Martin cds and some books for school.

Chief among the books I got is Moby Dick or, The Whale. Not many people know that Moby Dick or, The Whale has a secondary title, namely, The Whale. This is a misleading title, to be sure, because when read out loud it could sound like I am presenting two options of what I bought, and it is the listener's job to decipher which is the correct name of the book, but in actuality the or is functioning as an and, which is also confusing because Moby Dick and the Whale is even more incorrect and has the potential to be a great deal more offensive. I have chosen to address the book as simply, The Whale to prevent myself from snickering when I say the title, thereby prolonging the life of my nasal passages.

After two days of casual reading, I only have 601 pages left, but the last page isn't even a full page, so I basically only have 600 pages to go. This will, however, take me a little longer than you might expect since I prefer to understand what I am reading and I have to read The Whale with a dictionary nearby, and whenever I pick up the dictionary I get to reading it and looking at the pictures.

I doubt that the man at the Barnes and Noble Title Sleuth Desk knows about the secondary title, unless of course I mean Moby Dick, which I might, now that I am calling it The Whale, but I don't. The other book I purchased is called Invisible Man. I asked the man at the Barnes and Noble Title Sleuth Desk who the author of Invisible Man was, and he said H.G. Wells without even looking it up, which was wrong—both H.G. Wells and not looking it up, in that order.

I could have corrected him, but everyone around me was Christmas shopping and I felt "in the way," so I went to the back of the store and did my own title sleuthing, which would have just been author sleuthing if I had known how to spell invisible. I would have known sooner that I didn't know how to spell invisible if "invisable" hadn't brought up four results, but I was eventually tipped off by the fact that none of the results were The Invisible Man, by H.G. Wells, so I searched for H.G. Wells and learned how to spell, so the man at Barnes and Noble ended up helping me after all.

TRANSITION

We have three cats and a dog. We keep the cats' food dish on a towel on a chair—the towel to keep the chair clean and the chair to keep the dog "out of the kitty food." This morning, our only legitimate cat, Jacob, ate some of his food, promptly threw it up, and then returned for a second helping. After he was done eating for the second time, or done eating, that is, his kitty instincts kicked in and he tried covering the left-over food with the towel, in order to protect it from the elements, I suppose. Instead he knocked the dish onto the floor, thus scattering Hill's Prescription Diet all over the kitchen.

This is the most exciting thing that has happened during Christmas Break so far. I was asleep when it happened.

And with that, I wish you all happy holidays or, if that offends you, a merry Christmas.

10 comments:

Saint K said...

Classic

TRANSITION

Wow

Saint K said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Saint K said...

I LOL'D several times during the reading of this web-log, otherwise known as a B-log, or even more commonly and cooler(ly) known as a blog. And just so any innocent by-readers don't get confused or just 'fused [used as a contraction for the word "misunderstandtion" (made up by me)], the word-phrase "LOL'D" doesnot (not contracted) mean "Laughed Out Louded" but is doesn'tnot (sort of contracted, but not like a hired killer) stand for lolled, otherwise known as lulled, as in "lulled to sleep". Thanks.

Two Guns said...

So, what you're saying is... it put you to sleep. Cool, thanks pal.

Jennifer said...

You're hilarious. I lol'd, the real kind. This post was well worth the time it took to load on my g-ma's dial-up connection. We are ringing in Christmas with help from the nursing home firework show across the street. All is not right in Louisiana. Happy Birthday, anyway, Jesus.

Anonymous said...

Twas funny. Tis the season. This was my first reading of your blog without being in your presence, physically, in person. Do I get a parting gift? Or maybe just, "if you are a first-time visitor see someone at the back of the sanctuary for a gift?" I hope the gift isn't an inclination to read this blog more often.

Saint K said...

No, usually his gift is a crappy CD with songs by the choir that no one thinks is good but the choir - that's why you should go to my blog. I give out money.

Two Guns said...

I like the comments that aren't by Loser24 the best. That is, I best like the comments that aren't by Loser24, who is the worst, and who does not give me money even though I am the only person who has ever read his B-log besides the fake people that he creates with other blogs..

"jennifer," I am happy to have not wasted your time. Say "hi" to your grandmother for me.

Sammer Jammer, to you I give the gift of an inclination. Now all you have to do is find the time.

Loser24, for your information, the choir does not like the CD, and, chances are, you made it for me because you didn't know what I would actually want, and because you are sweet.

Anonymous said...

A holidandy post, sir. My favourite (note the "u") line? "...his dyslexic mother had taught him that chocolate was bad for gods..."

You probably saw the thought of the day in ye olde 46D a couple weeks ago:

Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic guy?

He stays up late at night, wondering if there is a dog.

Two Guns said...

A) Nothing significant to your life happened in 1861.
B) If you are going to use spamming techniques on my blog, at least find a generic message with proper grammar. Perhaps it is a little early in your learning process to go over the comma splice, and I grade easy on comma usage overall, but can we at least use a period at the end of our sentence?
C) Do not ever use the word "inquisitive" in my presence again unless you are going to put it in mocking quotation marks as demonstrated.
And furthermore, D) You aren't real, especially if you are.