A Commercial to Believe In

Once upon a time, RadioShack commercials consisted of Teri Hatcher demeaning Howie Long in between episodes of "Cops." They didn't inspire me to shop at RadioShack, but they also didn’t inspire me to not shop at RadioShack.

This is where the fairy tale ends.

Last weekend, I caught the tail end of the latest RadioShack commercial. It looked so much like a Hallmark commercial that I almost tuned it out—something about a lonely old woman finding joy again in the angelic voices of her caroling grandchildren—but the ending caught my attention. “This holiday season, don’t just buy stuff. Do stuff.”

How inspirational. Thanks RadioShack, for that selfless holiday reminder. Oh but wait, doesn’t your latest slogan ring a bell? Why yes it does, and how it rings. Let us follow that joyful reverberating sound, guided by the ghost of Holiday Advertisement Past, all the way back to November of 2005. Don’t worry—he means us no harm.

Is this where you are leaving us, ghost? Here in the 2005 holiday season? He nods and points to the back of the room, to a dark corner beyond a crowd of holiday merrymakers warming themselves by a roaring fire. Howie Long lies hiding ever so quietly under the piano bench, peeking out expectantly. Now I see… RadioShack pulled the ol’ “let’s play hide-and-seek” trick on Howie and replaced him with random people sitting in a red chair and telling us what they want for Christmas. A man tells his wife about the perfect phone, a child begs his parents for an RC car, an elderly woman struggles to remember all the features of the computer she wants. The ‘05 marketing slogan: "This holiday season, don't just get a gift. Get the right gift (at RadioShack)."

Ahh… the holiday season, the glorious celebration of that one time when baby Jesus bought everyone digital cameras... Or, wait… was it the time when baby Jesus fried up some latkes for the innkeeper? Between these conflicting messages, will we ever find the true reason for the season? Foul specter, why have you shown us these things?

Perhaps we’d find more clarity if we looked at RadioShack’s 2006 holiday message. The ghost shakes his head. He will take us no farther. Unfortunately, all I really remember about the HS of ’06 is that someone named My Brother threatened to punch me in the face in the middle of Best Buy because I told him to shut up, so I don't recall RadioShack's '06 advertising campaign. Probably more of the same, but the important thing to remember here is that I was shopping at Best Buy.

Of course! When have I ever shopped at RadioShack? I mean, for crying out loud, the name of the store is RadioShack. As an electronics store, they really ought to keep that on the down low, don’t you think? I’m not even crazy about Kozy Shack. About the only shack I've ever been in complete support of is the snack shack at summer camp. Gummy worms, fun dip, ice cream cones: these things can come from a shack. Cell phones, CD players, wide screen TVs: nuh uh.

Come to think of it, the last time I shopped at RadioShack was when I wanted to connect two short coaxial cables into one medium-sized coaxial cable, and I don’t remember why. I just remember that they had what I needed. It's called a coupler—basically a threaded cylinder that’s less than an inch long, and it costs about $5 because, as they say in the industry, "you don't know how to make one.” I went to RadioShack last night to see if they had the same type of coupler. They did not.

So, unless I need some batteries but don’t want to see anything from Duracell or Energizer (so help me God), I don’t really see myself needing another RadioShack, which kind of sucks, because now I have no idea where to turn for the meaning of the season.